3 Ways to Die with Dignity While Choking on an Old Band-Aid in a Victoria’s Secret
If you’ve timed it right, you will be dead before you hit the floor. Your death will look like that of a hero defending the store from a shoplifter.
Tag: Police
Other Things Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan For
Paying for that improv class. Paying for single-payer healthcare. Getting back together with Jeff. Convincing Jeff to come to your improv show.
How “Reservoir Dogs” Helped Me Overcome the Generational Trauma of My Snitch Family
The men and women in my family took to snitching. My grandfather was known as the Irish Elvis because he would sing to the cops about anything.
Area 51 Raid Packing Essentials
A stolen bomb squad dog to sniff out the aliens. (They probably smell kind of like TNT.) Your grandmama Ellis’ necklace, so you can be buried with it.
All the Things I’m Going to Ride Away From Thanks to the Ten Speed I Inherited When My Uncle Died
As I’ve come down with a bad case of wet-ass this summer (medical condition), Marcus could easily catch me and force me to share the bicycle.
The Sad Tale of the Inflatable Wacky Tube Man
"We have orders from the city to remove that thing from your property. Effective immediately.” He pointed toward the Inflatable Wacky Tube Man.
Hi, It’s Me, the Other Mayor Running for President
Mayor Pete is a former Navy officer, a Harvard grad, and speaks 7 foreign languages. However, as the owner of a Ford dealership on State Route 15.
I Am an ICE Guard and I Sleep Very Well Through My Night Terrors, Thank You
Knowing that I did my part to separate a four-year-old from his mother with no plan or intent to reunite them, I can nod off shortly after vomiting.
Please Stop Bursting Into My Darkroom to Question Me About a Murder
How do you think the Andersons feel when I deliver their photos, and half of them are so overexposed that you can’t see the barn they’re leaning on?
Contents of a Magician’s Pockets As Documented When Turning Himself In for Manslaughter
1 red/purple/blue/yellow/green/white/orange/red/blue scarf, nearly 30 feet long, covered in blood, possibly used as a tourniquet.
Books If They Were Written By Shakespeare
Moby Dick by Shakespeare would have seen the white whale be able to speak and he would have sassed Ahab to his grave.
New New York City Cyclist Regulations
Wheelies, track stands, and riding with no hands are allowed only in the Fun Lane between 14th to 23rd Street along 9th Avenue.