You walk up to the house. Two-story American Craftsman, well-maintained, nice front yard. A wizened voice suddenly whispers in your ear: “Recently renovated 5 bed, 4 bath in up-and-coming neighborhood that’s rent-controlled at $400 a month, utilities included.”

You turn but no one’s there.

On the entrance waiver, it asks for medical information should an ambulance need to be called.

“Please don’t call an ambulance,” you say. “I don’t have insurance.”

“Ah, not to worry. We have universal healthcare here so it won’t cost you a penny.”

A chill runs down your spine. U-u-u-universal h-h-healthcare?!

You enter the house. In the first room, a gun on the floor. You walk up to it. You’re about to reach down when a man hurries up to you:

“Oh, sorry. Before I can give you this gun, you need to be in possession of a firearm license, undergo several very thorough and exhaustive state and federal background checks, pass safety training, and then sit out the mandatory waiting period of several weeks. Then you can purchase this standard-issue firearm that cannot kill tens of people in seconds.”

From out of the darkness a man emerges, a red baseball cap with white lettering on his head. He advances toward you. You step back but he comes even closer. Your back is to the wall; nowhere else to go. He stands right in front you, leans in, and whispers in your ear.

“Trump lied to us.”

You frantically scan the room, looking for the exit.

“He is unfit to be president and I support impeachment.”

There! You see it, the way out! You start to slide away when…

“Also, I believe climate change is real and Greta Thunberg is a hero.”

What sick mind came up with this twisted place?!

In the next room, on a couch, a black man sits, staring straight ahead. Not doing anything.

Behind you, you hear the patter of running feet. Turning, you see a police officer enter the room, gun drawn. Oh no! You spin around, shouting, preparing to see the worst when…

The police officer proceeds down the next hallway, leaving the man alone to mind his own business.

What fresh hell awaits you next?

A room decorated like an office. An average middle-aged white man sits behind a desk. He looks up, sees you, and gestures to a chair. The door closes behind you with an ominous thud. Is that…did the lock just click?? You sit down, trying to hide your trembling hands. His eyes bore into you. What…what is he going to do to you?

He doesn’t take out his penis and instead compliments your recent work, says you’re a valued member of the company, and wants to talk about your opportunities for advancement. It’s all so above-the-board! So appropriate for the workplace! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the next room, you see it: children huddled in dingy cages, their sad faces pressed to the bars, trembling bodies wrapped in aluminum. Who could do this?! It’s inhumane! But wait…there’s something lurking in the shadows. It’s….it’s a man…in an I.C.E. uniform! He approaches the children menacingly. Oh dear God, what will he do?! He’s….unlocking the cages. The kids are climbing out! Their parents rush in, grabbing their children and hugging them tightly, tears streaming down their faces. There are cries of joy and happiness. You leave the room before you faint from the sheer human decency of it all.

The end is closer, you can feel it. Speeding up, you round a corner and—there! It’s Trump! He stands forebodingly behind a podium, arms raised, lips in a sneer, staring right at you. You brace yourself for the onslaught….

“I apologize.”

You scream.

“I made a mistake.”

You take a step back, fearful. What else can he possibly say that’s worse than…

“I’m hereby resigning from my position…”

He said HEREBY! You shriek in terror and run to the next room.

You flee down hallways, through rooms. Everywhere, people are being NICE to each other! They jump out from the darkness, only to grab other people in huge hugs! Thoughtful discourse in the comments sections of Internet articles! Being respectful and nonjudgmental of other people’s beliefs and lifestyles! And is that…oh the humanity! It’s a white person not asking a stranger of a different race where they’re from and or what their immigration status is!

It’s all too much! Everything makes sense here! There is a logic to people’s actions! There’s decency, honesty, kindness, acceptance of consequences, the admittance of wrongs, compassion, EMPATHY! Oh my God, the empathy!!

You should never have come here, it’s too much!

There! The exit! You see it, the door to the outside world. Finally, you’re done with this house of horrors! You hurry toward the door. Almost there….almost….

A hand shoots out and grabs you by the shoulder. You spin and face whoever it is that’s grabbed you. Dead eyes staring out from a sallow face, bleached from office lighting. A JCPenney pants suit. A nametag that reads “Sallie Mae.”

The hand brandishes a piece of paper in your face.

“Your student loans have all been forgiven and your account balance is now zero. In fact, we actually owe you money!”