Now’s Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right?
Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.
Tag: Police
Antifa Job Postings, According to Republicans
Have experience with peaceful protesting but want to take it to the NEXT LEVEL? Often described as "the last person someone would suspect of being a criminal"?
How to Appear Woke While Improving Corporate Sales
Post on Instagram to both notify the public of your shared sentiment on their struggle while promoting Domino’s new $7.99 carryout special.
List: John McClane’s Recent Thoughts on Defunding the Police
Do you know what you get for being a “hero”? Nothin'. So you might as well find a job that doesn't involve terrorizing low-income communities.
List: Ways to Reform the Agitated Bear in the Center of Town
We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of sensitivity training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired.
List: Itemized Police Budget Report for June 2020
Bespoke Tom Ford rapid response tactical outerwear - $475,000 / “Good cop, bad cop” improv lessons - $36,000 / Body camera software updates - $3.50
We’re Sorry Our Roombas Are Killing You, But There’s Absolutely Nothing We Can Do
We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get.
Please Maintain 6 Feet of Social Distance as We, the Cops, Box You in from All Sides
That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.
Quiz: Police Officer or Chipotle Employee?
Which of the following pieces of equipment can be carried off-duty by employees and even concealed? A) Avocado Masher B) SIG Sauer P320 Pistol
The Kill Me Now Squad: Declassified Files
Kyle’s father just asked if “Post Malone is a sequel to Bugsy.” Agents remain locked and loaded as they stand by for further instruction.
Listen Scumbag, We Can Do This the Easy Way or the Hard Way or the Real Silly Way
I have a team of techs going over every inch of your apartment. I also know we could find so many hilarious props around here.
House Hunting Tips from a “Law & Order” Detective
You’re gonna want a place near bars, delis, and neighborhood laundromats. These are full of characters who will be furiously vague witnesses.