Don’t make any sudden moves. Just give me what I want, and this will all be over soon, capiche?

I want you to slowly and quietly put that money in the bag. Slowly! Yeah, fill it all the way up. Ok. When you’re done with that, you’re going to hand me the money, and give me a little kiss on the cheek. I said, put the money in the bag, and also gimme a little kissy on the cheek, like my mommy used to do! Do I look like I’m joking? This is a stick-up! I have a gun! So give me my widdle smoochie and no one gets hurt! No, don’t—GOD DAMMIT.


Listen up! You’re all being taken hostage. I swear to God if any one of you moves a muscle, or tries to call for help, I will shoot you. Empty your pockets. Phones out, now! And you know what? While you’re doing that, why don’t you all sing Happy Birthday? What? To me. Sing Happy Birthday to me. Slide the wallets over, and sing me the birthday song, the normal one. Oh my god. Just start fucking singing or I will blow this place to high heaven.

Huh? Oh, sorry. It’s “Mike.” Happy Birthday dear “Mike.” You got that? Good.

While they’re doing that, cashiers, I want all the money in the fucking bag. Do it fast before I blow your brains out. And when you’re reaching in there to get the money, why not write me a sweet little note to go with it. Nothing crazy, just a little something so I know you care. It’s the thought that counts. And don’t skimp on the x’s and o’s either.

Now, you! Go lock the doors. Do it! Everyone else, form a line. Single file, come on! You there, with the suit. Are you the manager? Well, Daddy Warbucks, if you ever want to see your family again, you’d better get your ass to the front of that line. And put on some music. I don’t know! Something upbeat! Okay, now everyone: hands on the shoulders of the person in front of you. Yeah, all slow-like. Okay good. Now walk around the room to the beat of the music. Yeah. Smile! This is fun! It’s my birthday! Yay!

What? The police are outside? Shit. Give me the phone, and don’t move! Hello? Yes, this is Mike. Oh wow, thank you! I can’t believe you remembered! Yeah, it’s a big one. Double digits! What? Oh right, the robbery. Yes, I have taken control of Warbucks Bank. My demands? Well first, I want a million dollars. Then, I want everything on the Pizza Hut menu. Every minute that I have to wait for a pizza I kill a hostage.

Why? Because it’s a pizza party, that’s why! I also want an ice cream cake, and I want those party hats with the straps that kind of hurt your chin, and I want a pinata, a big fat pinata full of candy, good candy, or these hostages will never see their families again. That’s a guarantee. Oh, and I need candles, but not the prank kind you can’t blow out, because those aren’t funny. Huh? Hang on one second. What? What’d you just say to me? Don’t fucking talk to me while I’m on the phone or we’re all going down!

Oh. Ok.

Hey, Mr. Interrogator, are you still there? One of the hostages has a gluten allergy, so could you make sure one of the pizzas is gluten-free? Pepperoni, please. Amazing. Thank you so much. Have a good one!

Alright. Now which of you sons of bitches got me a present?