I’m Every Stock Photo of a Bewildered Stock Broker, Please Help Me
Every time I wearily hang my head into my hands and grit my teeth in frustration, there’s the media, plastering my visage on every downcast article.
Tag: Men
Dispatches from the Media Relations Desk of the Terran Starship Expedient
We can reassure our Cres’Nan allies that incidences of uncontrolled mutation are unrelated to our activities and are probably completely coincidental.
I, Editor of the National Enquirer, Have Literally Seen a Sasquatch and No One Will Believe Me
I feel like Elvis when he returned to Graceland after 40 years of guiding climbers as a Sherpa in Tibet. That didn’t happen, but you get the point.
It’s Time to Unify Around a Single Candidate: Ted from Accounting
Even Ted’s charisma is middle of the road. He’s the type of candidate that you could get a beer with, but choose not to.
The Ten Commandments Are Super Confusing and That’s on Me, The Lord Thy God
“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.” This really isn't a big deal. It bothered me for a couple thousand years but I’m over it.
My Entirely Intellectual and Not at All Emotional Reasons for Watching “The Bachelor”
I’m interested in analyzing the importance of “opening up” via “crying” and how this plays into our fantasies of ideal womanhood.
My Instagram Alter Ego Is Alive and She Is Pissed
You should know that the only reason I’m smiling right now is because that’s all you’ve taught me to do.
How to Parallel Park a Limousine in a Security Laser Maze
An excerpt from Section 38.28.1 of the Limo Driver's Handbook about how to deal with a bachelorette that turns into a jewel heist.
Why I’ve Always Been a Bloomberg Supporter Since He Started Paying Me $6,000 a Month
Look at my new MacBook Pro, which was purchased with the Bloombucks Mike sends me simply for writing stuff like “Mike knows how to get things done.”
A Statement from One of the Tennis Balls on Harvey Weinstein’s Walker
Well, there was a court in my future, just not the one I had in mind.
The Biden 2020 Nevada Pizza Party Is Going Down in Flames
He's targeting young people voting in their first elections, but we have to convince him that “Virgin Voters for Biden” is not how we want to brand.
Space Force Wants You!
The lightweight uniforms of Space Force feature “Drip-Nip Technology©" that can resist water, whether it’s a splashdown or an unexpected “swirly."