Democrats, we can’t blow this. Nobody knows exactly what swing voters want. So let’s simply choose the candidate that isn’t what they don’t want. A simple strategy has a simple solution: Ted from accounting. Ted is the palatable candidate that will have everybody saying, “I mean, he’s fine.”
Ted isn’t like other candidates. He has revolutionary stances on ice cream (“good”) and murder (“bad”). He’s a team player, always spreading the word when there’s cake in the conference room or a great new Dilbert comic on the bulletin board. During heated water-cooler debates he’s not afraid to say, “I see valid points from both sides.” These are exactly the mass appeal positions the Democratic party is looking for. Sure, Ted doesn’t have big ideas, but swing voters don’t even like regular ideas.
Even Ted’s charisma is middle of the road. He’s the type of candidate that you could get a beer with, but choose not to. Sure he’s a nice enough guy, but do you really want to talk about how younger employees should really start considering investing in their 401k now? Plus, he’s office funny. Yeah, he’s able to make you laugh when you’re a captive audience, stuck in a box with eyes glued to never-ending Excel spreadsheets while listening to soft rock. But now he tells people he’s “the funny guy,” and you’ll be damned if you’re ever going to one of his improv shows. Ted is bearable, isn’t that good enough?
Take it from a swing voter, my 93-year-old grandmother. During a recent Democratic primary debate, she said, “I don’t like it when the people on the flicker box say new things. They scare and confuse me.” But when I shared with Gram Gram how Ted keeps hard candies on his desk at work, but can’t have the ones with real sugar anymore because of his diabetes, she flat out said, “He sounds like a nice boy.” Now Gram Gram clearly isn’t going to make it to the primary, but everyone agrees if she did, she’d vote Ted.
Ted also has a real chance to draw in weak-willed Republicans. In fact, Ted has tried to tell me time and time again, that he’s actually a registered Republican. That’s perfect! Republican political commentator and negging enthusiast David Brooks has repeatedly stated he wants to vote for someone other than Trump, but the Democratic nominees are just too liberal. You read that right, a staunch Republican thinks the Democratic nominees are too liberal. Ted is clearly the moderate “Democrat” that Brooks and other Republicans may be willing to hold their noses for.
I know what you’re saying, “Didn’t we nominate the safe candidate last election?” Yes, yes we did. So obviously we just didn’t go safe enough last time. Just look at one of Clinton’s campaign slogans from last election: “Forward Together.” With divisive statements like that, no wonder the Democrats lost. Just compare that to one of Ted’s slogans: “I hate Mondays, but I love lasagna.“ Pretty sure Ted said that and he nailed it.
In this political climate, we can’t prioritize exciting the Democratic base over guessing what my 93-year-old grandmother or Republican David Brooks might be interested in. The only one who would want that is a weird leftist fringe. I’m not afraid to call them out by name, Democrats. Quite clearly, letting those people take charge is how we lose this election. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize we need to nominate a candidate that nobody is excited about, or even really likes.
Vote Ted from accounting! “He’s okay, I guess.”