While Paul Simon's “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” is one of his most famous songs, many people don't realize that he only mentions five different men who left their lovers. Even more people don't know that Simon wrote the remaining 45 ways that different people left their lovers, but eventually cut them “due to time constraints with vinyl records.”
Now, for the first time ever, all 50 ways you could leave your lover are being released in print, starting with the five that Simon kept in the song.
1. Slip out the back, Jack
2. Make a new plan, Stan
3. Don't need to be coy, Roy
4. Hop on the bus, Gus
5. Just drop off the key, Lee
The previously unseen 45:
6. Be too into board games, James
7. Finally say how you really feel, Neil
8. Act like a slob, Rob
9. Learn the unicycle, Michael
10. Cut them out of the will, Bill
11. Flee to a cave, Dave
12. Act like a dick, Dick
13. Put on You, Me, and Dupree, Charlie
14. Take on a new identity as a clown named Bozo, Joe
15. U.S. doesn't extradite with Guam, Tom
16. Misbehave at the bris, Chris
17. Don't act very Christian, Christian
18. Copy Stan's new plan, Dan
19. Ditch them in Central Park, Mark
20. Fake your death in a gorge, George
21. Flaunt that you love puns and you're devotion to the conservative party by referring to yourself as a Republi-Ken, Ken
22. Ford the river in your Ford, Edward
23. Leave, Steve
24. Keep on lyin', Brian
25. Canvass for Q-anon, Ron
26. Offer to pay alimony, Tony
27. The U.S. doesn't extradite there because it's a territory of the U.S. so there is no reason to—you're going away for a long time because you fell for the sting in Guam, Tom
28. Return to your home planet's spaceport, Blort
29. Finally use that canoe, Lou
30. Hide in the shitter, John
31. Create a spin-off with Jason Statham and the audience will flock, Rock
32. Tell them you're in love with Larry, Gary
33. Snap into a Slim Jim, Tim
34. Drive off in your Chrysler LeBaron, Aaron
35. Command their village set aflame, Engleworth Lord of the realm and Seventh of his Name
36. Calmly explain to Gary that he's not the one, your soulmate is Harry, Larry
37. Reveal your secret family, Buckley
38. Just be frank, Frank
39. Tell 'em they're not hot, Scott
40. Make him pay for his infidelity by setting him up for a crime he didn't commit and kill an old stalker of yours so you'll be sympathetic when you take your husband (portrayed by Ben Affleck in the movie) back and not be called crazy, Amy
41. Do the Dew, Drew
42. I already told you, Lou
43. Tell Gary that you just can't choose between him or Larry, Harry
44. Talk only about Daniel Tosh, Josh
45. Jump off the Staten Island Ferry, Jerry
46. While drinking your juice in the hood be a menace, Dennis
47. Be the one who knocks and don't falter, Walter
48. Just blame the fart, Art
49. Say they're not funny, Sonny
50. Make up some bullshit excuse, like, I don't know, you can only be partners with someone whose name flows in songs easily, and Garfunkel doesn't work that well when you're rhymin', Simon