So you guys may remember I gave you these rules a little while back, and it seems like there’s been some confusion—totally my bad! Let me clarify some stuff, and I swear, no fancy Bible lingo this time! Just gonna give it to you straight.

After all, I’m just like you guys! Made you in My Own Image, you know? Don’t think of me as your Boss, just think of me as your normal cool friend who also happens to be the Creator of Heaven and Earth. I commute to work every day—just like any of you—by soaring across the infinite expanse of time and space. And the traffic! Am I right? Just a regular guy, up in the sky. Big G-man, comin’ atcha.

“Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God.”

Ok, my assistant Lindsey tells me people aren’t really saying “graven image” anymore, which is super weird—I swear everybody was saying it in 1200BC. So I get the confusion, and I don’t blame you guys at all, but I’m taking a look around and it’s like, wow! Look at all these graven images! TV? Graven image. iPhone? Graven image. Cardboard cutout of teen heartthrob Timothee Chalamet? BIG TIME graven image. Please try to relax on the graven images! Remember, I the Lord thy God am a jelly God!

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”

This one’s actually really not that big of a deal. It bothered me for like the first couple thousand years but I’m TOTALLY over it. Like it was initially pretty hurtful that any of you would even THINK to take my name in vain, but sticks and stones right? I mean, God damn, it’s not a big deal. God damn! See? I can hang!

“Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work.”

I snuck this one in here to give you guys a break. Just a little reminder that I the Lord thy God am a Chill God! So next Sabbath day, kick back and crack open a bottle of the delightfully refreshing Bud Lite Strawberry Seltzer. Bud Lite Strawberry Seltzer: an easy-drinking hard seltzer with a hint of delicious fruit flavor. Sorry about that one, guys, but these flowing robes of purest white don’t pay for themselves, you know?

“Honor thy father and mother.”

Look, guys, family is important—take it from me, a Dad who is also simultaneously a Son (Holy Trinity thing). And I am NOT thrilled with the grandparent loophole you seem to have found here. Ok, “Honor thy father and mother, and also thy grandfather and grandmother, even if they live in Palm Beach and can only be reached by phone on Thursday mornings from 6 to 7:15.” Is that better?

“Thou shalt not kill.”

Ok HERE WE GO guys. Seems to be some SERIOUS confusion about this one, even though I intentionally kept it short. Don’t kill anybody. Like, anybody. Some people have been killing, like, in my name and that is a GENEROUS interpretation of the text. I really mean it this time. No killing! Exceptions allowed for people who stand motionless at the top of subway stairs.

“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Yeah, really should not have back-loaded the important ones. Most of you probably stopped reading at all that stuff about the Sabbath. Point is, don’t cheat on your partner. Unless it’s an open relationship. Or if you guys have, like, a polyamory thing going on. I don’t wanna harsh anybody’s mellow if you’re into some weird stuff. Not that any of that’s weird! It’s just not my style. I’m strictly an old-fashioned Immaculate Conception kinda guy.

“Thou shalt not steal.”

Stealing is bad! But sharing streaming passwords is totally cool and not at all a sin. Unrelatedly, can somebody pray me their Disney Plus login? The Holy Spirit changed all His passwords and I’m feeling a little left out of the Baby Yoda thing.

“Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”

Ok, look. I know that you’re all pretending to like Tom in 4B just because he has roof access. And I don’t want to, like, start anything, but Tom knows too. He prayed to me about it. And he’s pissed.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.”

Do not covet Tom’s beautiful wife.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.”

Do not covet Tom’s sweet-ass rooftop theater. He’s been praying to me about all this, like, all day every day lately, and I just need. him. to. stop.

“And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.”

Did NOT mean to freak you guys out! Thought it would be a cool celebratory light show kind of thing. And I thought you all said you liked it when I played my trumpet? In any case, note taken! No more thunderings, no more lightnings, no more trumpet.

It seems like people aren’t really hanging on Mount Sinai any more, which is a real bummer. Maybe we can get these bad boys set up in Times Square or something?

Ok that’s it for me, guys. Oh, and remember—if thou break these, the laws of the Lord thy God, thou shalt be cast down and burn forever in the pits of eternal damnation.

Kidding! Kidding.


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