Pfizer/BioNTech: The occasional request to go back where you came from never distracted you from your work. The results are really quite good, I mean extraordinary.

Moderna: Your personal and professional successes are the envy of friends and foes alike. Still, you’re 94% certain your parents love their firstborn more than you.

Johnson & Johnson: You’re drawn to lost causes, such as the New York Jets making the playoffs. Fortunately, you only need a single dose of reality to regain your senses.

Sinopharm: When your Midwestern mother-in-law complains about her “Oriental” dining experience at Panda Express, you say nothing.

AstraZeneca: As a gentleman of an Eton and Oxbridge pedigree, you take pride in dignified indolence. Why give it your all when 70% is just fine?

Novavax: Your last meal was two crab cakes at regular fridge temperature.

Sanofi: Only in this insufferably woke age can you get fired for one tiny mistake—a misunderstanding, really. But those upstarts and their fashionable ideas can’t keep you down.

Sputnik V: You wrote a rejected screenplay for Rocky IV (working title: “Rocky Must Die”).

None: You paid $75 for a candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow.