Aries: The bear that’s going to eat you has a large scar running from its right ear down through the eye. It is much faster than it looks and its cold unseeing eye will be the last thing you see.

Taurus: The Seneca Park Zoo believes they don’t need a sign telling people not to swim in the polar bear enclosure. You will prove them wrong.

Gemini: A pair of escaped grizzly bears will break into your home. Attempting to fend them off with a chair will only serve to remind them of their mistreatment in the circus.

Cancer: It will seem like a good idea to try and get a picture of a black bear climbing a tree, but you will wind up breaking its fall and becoming its dinner.

Leo: You have been taught from a young age that bears don’t just attack people for no reason. Unfortunately this means you will be filled with a sinking sensation of guilt while you’re being tossed around like a ragdoll by a grizzly bear.

Virgo: Though “Bear” is actually a member of a motorcycle gang, he is a cannibal. And you are going to upset him in a pool game during league night.

Libra: Your parents want to surprise you with an offbeat Christmas present. Nobody who knows anything about grizzly bears will be surprised.

Scorpio: After a daring attempt to thwart a deranged Belarusian businessman’s plot to destroy the moon, you will be thrown into his bear pit as a warning to other agents of MI6.

Sagittarius: You will win front row seats to a magic show that will later be described in the paper as “a tragic reminder that wild animals are not pets.”

Capricorn: You will have an excellent time at a Memphis Grizzlies game until you are chosen to be the bear sacrifice.

Aquarius: “Bears can swim,” will be the last thought that runs through your head before you are pulled under.

Pisces: No bear will eat you.

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