Black – Dead. Draft a tweet about how much their work meant to you. Come up with a plausible story about seeing them in person.

Red – Fucked up big time. Dropped a racial slur, did some sexual harassment, that kind of thing. Hit CANCEL on that bitch and post something retroactively justifying your dislike.

Red and White – Said or did something stupid but not necessarily evil. Named their baby after their foot massager. Professed their love for dog-milk-based ice cream. Hollyweird, amirite? Find a good joke about this and steal it.

Purple – Recently came out as gay, trans, queer, or genderfluid. Draft several sassy clapbacks to put their haters in place, and frantically scour every related thread to find some.

Pink – Just appeared in a picture with a cute animal. Tell the world that this is your everything right now.

Blue – Going viral with a thread about their mental health struggle that’s So Relatable! Tweet glowingly about how this is exactly what having [disorder] is like, except the part where the celebrity can access therapists and medication and meaningfully alter their lifestyle.

Blue and Red – Just had a run-in with the law. Post good wishes and hopes for them to figure their life out. Praying hands emoji.

Gray – An older celebrity whom young people have just now discovered was sexy back in the day. Scold those people in a tweet that not-so-subtly implies you used to masturbate to this celebrity.

Orange – The President of the United States, who is also a billionaire, is seething mad at this celebrity being rude to him. Exercise your constitutional right to tell the President that this celebrity is more talented and smarter and handsomer and would probably make a better president. Mmmm! That’s good discourse!

Green – Your guess is as good as ours, dude.