We need to talk about your behavior at yesterday’s meeting.”

“I want to break up.”

“Your sister is in labor.”

“Wanna see my dick?”

“Your car just got towed.”

“I’m in love with you.”

“You are a waste of space.”

“Hey, I just got my test results back. I think you should probably get checked for chlamydia.”

“Want to get fingers tattoos instead of wedding bands?”

“You are tearing our family apart.”

“Your dog just threw up on my new shoes.”

“Can you pick me up a pregnancy test when you’re out?”

“That wasn’t a just vase that you broke, Leah; it was your uncle’s urn.”

“Will you be my maid of honor?”

“Do you think you could say a few words at your aunt’s funeral?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Your grandma just pointed at a picture of you and remembered your name! She’s having such a good day!”

“YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR TEXTING AND DATA LIMITS FOR THIS MONTH. PLEASE CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY FOR PAYMENT OR YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE TERMINATED. STANDARD MESSAGING AND DATA RATES APPLY.”

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.