This peanut butter cookie recipe brings back fond memories of trips to Grandpa’s house. Every visit he’d open the door wearing a different mustache, speak through a voice distorter, and ask me for the password. Once I proved I wasn’t FBI, he’d pull out a plate of his delicious peanut butter cookies.

Recently Grandpa passed away, leaving me a box of weathered $20 bills and this hand-scrawled recipe.


  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 3/4 cup peanut butter
  • 1 ticket for Flight 305 to Seattle
  • 1 egg
  • 1/4 cup white sugar
  • 1 bomb-sized briefcase
  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla


1. Preheat oven to 727 350°F.

2. Whisk together flour and baking soda. While whisking, remember what those idiots at Boeing have done to you, what they’ve taken from you, and why they deserve what they get.

3. In another mixing bowl combine butter, brown sugar, and white sugar. Cream together for 2 minutes or the amount of time it takes to calculate the maximum speed and altitude a plane can fly for a 177-pound man to survive the jump.

4. Carefully pour the potassium chlorate, powdered charcoal, magnesium, and sulfur mixture* into the bomb.

5. Add peanut butter, egg, and vanilla. Scrape the bowl if the ingredients get too close. Can’t let anyone get too close, not now, not ever.

6. Slowly add in the dry mixture until combined. The batter should be rough as the terrain near the Washougal River Basin.

7. Pour a handful of white sugar in a bowl. Take a little for yourself, because don’t you deserve a little taste of the sweetness?

8. Dip balls of dough into the sugar. On the tops of the cookies, use a fork to press a design of the typical wind patterns between Portland and Seattle in late November.

9. Place on the baking sheet and bake for 10-12 minutes. While you wait, call that man who said he’ll sell you $200,000 worth of gold, no questions asked.

10. The edges of the cookies should be brown, but not so dark as to resemble black sunglasses to block witnesses from seeing your face clearly.

11. Best enjoyed warm while poring over maps of the Pacific Northwest while dreaming of how you’ll show them. You’ll show them all.

* chocolate lovers may add ½ cup chocolate chips

Grandpa always said these peanut butter cookies were his second greatest feat. They’re delicate enough to charm the tastebuds of the most frightened flight attendant, while also hearty enough to sustain a man for weeks in the wilds of Washington. I hope you, your family, and the government agents currently swarming my front lawn enjoy this deliciously incriminating treat.