6:00AM: Wake up and perform my daily enema. I need to make sure my bowels are cleared before I bike later. I can’t have too much bouncing around inside me while I’m tearing up the streets!
7:00AM: Chop veggies for my green smoothie. If I’m feeling spicy, sometimes I’ll even add pineapple. Just for a little variety.
7:15AM: Throw my veggies into my Vitamix blender. I bought this bad boy on eBay for ONLY $200.
7:16AM: Make a mess because I forgot to put the lid on.
7:17AM: Leave the mess for my roommate to clean when she wakes up. Don’t worry, we’ve talked about it and she assures me she loves cleaning up after men.
8:00AM: Hop on my sweet, sweet ride: a used bicycle I bought from a man with a collection of human hair off of Craigslist. Strap in, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!
8:30AM: Run a red light. Here’s a fun fact: just because I ride my bike on the road doesn’t mean I have to follow the rules of the road. I’m not driving a car so I’m given a pass to do whatever I want.
8:31AM: Oh shit! That car came out of nowhere!
8:45AM: Throw my right arm out to the side to signal I’m turning, but then flank left. I like to joke around with car-drivers, it’s all in good fun.
9:00AM: Wedgie! I pull my $80 Lycra biking shorts from my butt crack.
9:30AM: Arrive at work. I work at a start-up. I’m not quite sure what we’re starting, but someone told me sales are UP. Get it?
12:00PM: Time for lunch! With the mess I made this morning, I forgot to grab my premade lunch: a small charcuterie board with aged cheeses, meats, and nuts. I sneak into the breakroom and steal Kelly’s probiotic kefir yogurt (again). I hope no one saw me.
12:02PM: Someone definitely saw me.
2:00PM: Mid-day work break. My boss is really chill and likes when I take two breaks a day, just to keep the ol’ juices flowing. I like to use this time to meditate on whether bikes have thoughts or feelings.
2:01PM: I reflect on my day so far.
2:02PM: So far, so good.
5:00PM: My work day is finally complete. I hold the door open for Kelly as I leave the building. She’s about ten feet away but I can tell she appreciates the gesture nonetheless. Hopefully, this makes up for eating her yogurt.
5:15PM: Run red light.
5:30PM: Someone honks excessively at me. Car drivers truly are the worst.
5:35PM: Turn down a one-way street going in the opposite direction. I read somewhere that street signs don’t apply when you only have two wheels. Imagine what I could get away with on a unicycle!
5:45PM: Run another red light. I almost hit a pedestrian. They should really watch where they’re going, though.
6:00PM: Home sweet home! The pegs in my bike accidentally put holes in the wall as I try to hang my bicycle on the wall. Oops!
6:15PM: Looks like my roommate didn’t clean my mess from this morning. I guess I’ll clean it myself this time. I’m such a good guy.
8:00PM: Normally I have plans with friends to grab IPAs after work but today is just one of those days where all I want to do is stay in and snuggle with my body pillow.
9:00PM: I wind down by washing my face but I don’t brush my teeth. I think needing to brush your teeth twice a day is just a myth perpetrated by toothpaste companies.
10:00PM: Bedtime! I kiss the Lance Armstrong poster on my wall before going to bed.