1. Sleeps all day.

2. Goes batshit crazy with lasers.

3. I call them lazy, but I’m secretly envious of their Epicurean lifestyle.

4. Either earns no money or millions of dollars, no in between.

5. Makes loud, strange noises in the middle of the night.

6. I'm highly attracted to the hairless ones, but too much of a coward to fulfill my longing.

7. Perches on high platforms gazing down expressionless at the people dancing beneath them.

8. Has played for hours with a dead mouse or with Deadmau5.

9. My ex-wife sleeps with one every night to fill a void in her life from 23 years of “wasted youth.” I’m not sure who I’m more jealous of.

10. Either has a normal human name or a phenomenally stupid name, no in between.

11. Refuses to learn a real musical instrument.

12. Will scratch all of your records if you’re cool enough to still have vinyl.

13. Putting a helmet on one significantly increases their entertainment value.

14. My son started dressing like one and it’s making me extremely uncomfortable. I know it’s important to empower the self-expression of young people, but his new friends and their costumes are creeping me out BIG TIME. …No, Brenda left me because I refused to experiment with our relationship. I'm just going to have to put on the fur suit and be the father that Colton needs right now. I wonder if those come in pink velvet, I've always had a thing for the hairless ones…

15. The Mediterranean is extremely overpopulated with them.


1-13, 15: EDM Artist from the 2010s
1-15: Male Cat


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