1. Bread – Do you buy bread two loaves at a time, but then decide you want to cut down on carbs? Throw that bread in the fridge and it’ll still be good three weeks later when you give up on your diet.

2. Your Relationship – You can tell that you and your boyfriend Carson are drifting apart, but you’ve invested far too much time and money into this thing that you refuse to let it end on his terms. Not to worry! Stuff that boy into a plastic tub and put him right on the bottom shelf. He’ll reevaluate everything he thought he knew about the two of you.

3. Human Remains – Whoops! You’ve been living your best life for a few months and completely forgot about Carson in the fridge. No problem! Morgues store bodies at cold temperatures to keep them from decomposing too quickly, so you’re already ahead of the game!

4. Ground Beef – Oh, boy! The police have been notified that Carson hasn’t shown up to the firm in a few weeks, so you snuck into your fathers butcher shop at 2:15 AM and put him through the ‘ol meat grinder. Your best bet is to store him in the freezer, but you shrewdly removed his organs and stored them there for future sale. While the meat will go bad sooner in the fridge, it’s certainly better to store it there than in a warm environment. This should give you enough time to plan your next move.

5. Coffee Grounds – Well, crud! Officer McNally dropped by for questioning and told you that he’s going to obtain a search warrant for your house. Luckily enough, you thought ahead and bought 10 pounds of coffee to store in your refrigerator in order to mask any of the suspicious smells coming from your increasingly rancid ground boyfriend.

6. More Human Remains – Déjà vu! With the increased heat from the police, you decide its in your best interest to steal someone’s identity and get out of dodge. You choose Lilian Hoover, an adjunct accounting professor at the university you intern for, knowing that nobody will miss her, or even recognize that she’s gone missing. You give her the Carson treatment, hop in you 2006 Toyota Camry, and head west. While SWAT storms your old house and discovers the rotting remains in your fridge, you cruise down I-76.

7. Kombucha – If you’ve learned anything from the last three of months living in Boulder, Colorado as Lilian Hoover, it's that being healthy can taste good too. This stuff can get pricey, but the organs you sold got you a nice return on investment, setting you up for three months—the exact amount of time kombucha lasts in the fridge.


And now a quick joke...

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?