1. When prepping for a night out on the town, what is his usual routine?
- Start drinking at 2pm, break your coffee table over a game of Uno, spend 45 minutes talking about his dad, pass out on your fire escape by 8pm.
- Start drinking at 2pm, get increasingly angrier about his stocks plummeting, blame it on your “bad vibes,” leave in a huff.
2. What does he order for the table?
- Six rounds of tequila shots on your credit card (four for your table, two for the table of strangers he keeps fist-bumping nearby).
- Six rounds of whiskey shots even though no one but him likes whiskey.
3. Who is his top artist on Spotify?
- Pre-2015 Post Malone.
- The Joe Rogan Experience.
4. After a big fight, he usually:
- Shotguns a Four Loko in a gas station parking lot and calls you crying within 20 minutes.
- Chugs a pint of Fireball on your front yard and throws a shoe through your window.
5. What’s his favorite late-night snack after a night out?
- Whatever half-empty, lukewarm drinks are left.
6. Has he ever read a book before?
- Yes, but only the first Harry Potter book, which he’s read eight times.
7. When meeting your parents over brunch for the first time, he:
- Asks your dad to do a Jägerbomb with him and negs him until he agrees.
- Negs your dad about something else (not knowing who Elon Musk is, wearing a Lacoste shirt, etc) then does a Jägerbomb by himself.
8. What’s his favorite movie?
- Fight Club.
- Fight Club.
9. For your first date he:
- Took you to a bar where all the bartenders looked visibly upset to see him.
- Took you to his friend’s microbrewery where everyone seemed sort of annoyed to see him.
10. If you were to break up with him, he’d most likely:
- Call you every day for a month and leave voicemails of him slurring the lyrics to Lil Peep songs.
- Block you on everything for a week then send you a passive-aggressive text about wanting his Dumbledore Funko Pop back.
Mostly A’s: Alcoholic. Break up with him.
Mostly B’s: Gryffindor and an alcoholic. Break up with him.