1. When prepping for a night out on the town, what is his usual routine?

  1. Start drinking at 2pm, break your coffee table over a game of Uno, spend 45 minutes talking about his dad, pass out on your fire escape by 8pm.
  2. Start drinking at 2pm, get increasingly angrier about his stocks plummeting, blame it on your “bad vibes,” leave in a huff.

2. What does he order for the table?

  1. Six rounds of tequila shots on your credit card (four for your table, two for the table of strangers he keeps fist-bumping nearby).
  2. Six rounds of whiskey shots even though no one but him likes whiskey.

3. Who is his top artist on Spotify?

  1. Pre-2015 Post Malone.
  2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

4. After a big fight, he usually:

  1. Shotguns a Four Loko in a gas station parking lot and calls you crying within 20 minutes.
  2. Chugs a pint of Fireball on your front yard and throws a shoe through your window.

5. What’s his favorite late-night snack after a night out?

  1. Whatever half-empty, lukewarm drinks are left.
  2. Cocaine.

6. Has he ever read a book before?

  1. No.
  2. Yes, but only the first Harry Potter book, which he’s read eight times.

7. When meeting your parents over brunch for the first time, he:

  1. Asks your dad to do a Jägerbomb with him and negs him until he agrees.
  2. Negs your dad about something else (not knowing who Elon Musk is, wearing a Lacoste shirt, etc) then does a Jägerbomb by himself.

8. What’s his favorite movie?

  1. Fight Club.
  2. Fight Club.

9. For your first date he:

  1. Took you to a bar where all the bartenders looked visibly upset to see him.
  2. Took you to his friend’s microbrewery where everyone seemed sort of annoyed to see him.

10. If you were to break up with him, he’d most likely:

  1. Call you every day for a month and leave voicemails of him slurring the lyrics to Lil Peep songs.
  2. Block you on everything for a week then send you a passive-aggressive text about wanting his Dumbledore Funko Pop back.

Mostly A’s: Alcoholic. Break up with him.

Mostly B’s: Gryffindor and an alcoholic. Break up with him.