“Do You Breathe What I Breathe?”

Once a rhetorical jingle, this tune now asks a question the CDC should have answered truthfully in April.

“What Homeschooled Child Is This?”
Zoe? Taylor? Savannah? As this melody makes painfully clear, no adult cares or they would have opened schools instead of bars.

“I'm Dreaming of a White Fragility Christmas”
In the first verse of this cover, the crooner reflects upon the inequity that fueled his idyllic Christmases of yesteryear. The other four verses remain unchanged.

“I Saw Mommy Less Than Six Feet From Santa Claus”
While refreshed, this classic still stars Santa Claus as a metaphor for daddy. And daddy is still a metaphor for all that is wrong with America.

“Deck Your Zoom Background with JPEGS of Holly”
The tempo of this peppy number has been lowered to 20 RPM to better sound like your soul being crushed as you find yourself actually trying to win a work holiday party contest.

“Joy Reid to the World”
Let Earth receive her news, her Twitter, her in-depth take on what crucial turning point we took the wrong turn at today. This number repeats the resounding Joy 24.7 times.

“I Have a Little Fever”
No holiday compilation is complete without a zippy Hanukkah tune! This one playfully wonders if a 99.5 temp is something to be concerned about.

“We Three Kings Are Here to Make This Brand Look More Inclusive Than It Is”
Song links to digital booklet of 25 gifts under $25.

“Rest In Peace Ye Merry Gentlemen”
They were merry at the rally. They were merry at Joe's Crab Shack. Now they're dead.

“Good King BidenHarris”
Who doesn't love a benevolent despot? 2020 is a fitting year to dust off this beloved carol about a rich king feeding a poor, and most likely drunk, soul. It's a fitting tribute to our new leadership hell bent on helping anyone who makes less than $400k a year.

“It’s the Most Wonderful Time to Be Jeff Bezos”
He just made $222,884 while you scrolled through this fluff piece.

“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
Some songs don’t need to be changed one single bit.