App – Abbreviation for appetizer.

Artificial Intelligence (AI) – Briefings from the CIA and FBI that are made of Play-Doh for a president who does not read.

AutoCad – A lonely womanizer.

Big Bang – Phrase used to describe sexual relations with an obese person.

Bioengineering – An organism driving a train.

Circuit Board – Feeling experienced by one who is tired of always exercising in a gym.

Conductive Polymers – People who transmit venereal diseases by having unprotected sex with multiple partners.

Cryogenic – One who has inherited a lachrymose disposition.

Cryptocurrency – Money paid to Southern California gang member in exchange for protection from the Bloods.

Dark Matter – A matter about which one does not talk to one’s children, such as one’s extramarital affairs, cocaine addiction, etc.

Dark Web – A retelling of the children’s classic Charlotte’s Web, in which a spider writes messages inciting mayhem and murder among a population of dull-witted farmers.

Elon Musk – A man who is fervently driven to make self-driving cars so that everyone else can be driven and he can finally relax.

Facial Recognition System – Mental procedure of sorting through possible names for an acquaintance one encounters at the grocery store.

Genome – A diminutive man who goes by the simple name “G.”

Google – To see the world only through one window, which is not a window at all but a computer screen.

Higgs Boson – Worker on a ship owned by Higgs.

Internet of Things (IOT) – Where online shopping is conducted. Also known as Amazon.com.

Laser – Person who lies on the couch all day.

Nanotechnology – Abbreviation of a phrase used by a luddite to reply to a suggestion that he look up some information on his cell phone: “Nah. No technology.”

PowerPoint – The moment at which a person succeeds in putting a large roomful of people to sleep with a slideshow of bullet points.

Quantum Mechanics – Overweight men who fix cars.

Search Engine – Procedure undertaken by quantum mechanics looking for the source of a vehicle’s ailment.

String Theory – A theory that can be run relatively cheaply.

Superconductor – One who can make music by waving a baton with or without an orchestra in the room.

Virtual Reality – An office setting.

Wi-Fi – Question a toddler asks before boarding an airplane.

Yahoo – A person who is so overexcited that he is unaware that he has been rendered obsolete.

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