Congratulations on being named CEO of our company! We figure you have some questions, so HR has kindly put together a collection of FAQs to better help you adapt to your new role and connect with your new employees.
What hours am I expected to work?
You're the boss. You tell me.
How do I make sure my employees stay late working when I have to cut out early to make my 3pm tee time?
Wait to give them their assignments until the last minute and then say you expect it first thing in the morning.
But what if I have a tee time tomorrow morning too?
“On my desk by noon tomorrow when I get in” just isn't as authoritative.
How do I connect with my subordinates?
Tell stories about your grandkids, your home remodel, the nerve of the people renting one of your many properties that are demanding you fix the hot water. Or tell jokes about people who are different than you. Everyone likes to laugh.
Should I comment on my employees' ethnicity?
When it comes to ethnicities, we recommend a “don't ask don't tell” policy. Everyone should be white in your eyes.
Can I tell my stories about my Vietnamese neighbor?
We know you have lots of stories. It's best to tell your Vietnamese stories in front of your non-Vietnamese employees. Similarly, if you have a story about the Mexican lady you pay to watch your kids, tell it to your Asian employees.
What if it's a really funny story?
Oh, then by all means.
I have a lot of money.
Not a question, but congratulations. You earned it. Your employees are likely to be equally proud of you.
Should I express my political opinion in the office?
Not everyone in your office will have the same political opinion as you. Which means it's your responsibility to explain to them why they need to vote Republican.
Surely all my employees are Republicans. Don't they love money?
Everyone loves money. They probably just don't understand the concept of trickle-down economics or property taxes. Explain it to them.
Can I date the women in the office?
We feel it's unfair to give preferential treatment to any employee. So be sure to present an equal opportunity offer to all women in the office.
What if I get #metoo'd? What's my golden parachute package?
One hundred million dollars minus whatever the settlement the company needs to pay. We do this to keep you honest.
How do I handle employees who want a raise?
Promise them more money and a promotion. Promises are free.
What if I suspect an employee is high on the job?
Invite them into your office, offer them a drink or cocaine from your personal stash. And if they take it, fire them for unprofessional behavior.
But what if I'm not an old, rich, white guy?
Why are you asking us questions? We fully expect you to be perfect and if you're not, we will hold it against your entire gender and/or race.