Tomorrow's leaders in bullying will not be the ones who noogie the hardest or give the most painful wedgies; the longest lasting scars will be given by those who innovate. Leading disruptors in the bullying sector have developed increasingly innovative tormenting methods, drawing upon abstract thinking in order to inflict the most chronic psychological damage possible.

Some of the most industrious of these methods include:

– Throwing bedsheets around outside of a dweeb’s window to make them think their house is haunted.

– Forcing a dork to do all your homework for you and then not even turning it in, slowly introducing the concept of nihilism into their worldview.

– Giving swirlies to a nerd in different toilets labeled 1, 2, and 4, so the victim will be on the lookout for toilet number 3 for the rest of their life.

– Writing cryptic pleas for help in the margins of whatever fantasy novel a geek is reading so they start to believe they’re being drawn into a fantastical YA adventure by some magical force.

– Hacking a loser’s iCloud and adding self help audiobooks to their music library but labeling them as video game soundtracks in order to slowly turn them into Tony Robbins.

– Offering a down-on-their-luck anime nerd one million dollars for you to spend a night with their body pillow so they’re racked with guilt and the relationship slowly crumbles.

– Repeatedly moving the bookmark in some poindexter’s book back 3 pages day after day so they keep getting deja vu and think they’re developing precognition.

– Giving a spaz a wedgie on every prime numbered day for 2 months, then switching it to every prime number n-1 day during the 3rd month to Da Vinci Code their ass.

– Becoming a crime-fighting teen vigilante, putting the entire criminal world on notice, then leaving subtle clues at the scene of your heroics that your secret identity is some goober in your 2nd period to turn the city against them.

– Secretly auditioning an egghead for the Jeopardy Teen Tournament, while also buying them tickets to the nearest Comic Con going on at the same time to force them into a Sophie’s Choice.

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