It’s 2020, and there are a million things your bright, talented baby girl with two Ivy League degrees can do. If you’re a parent (especially a father), it’s your job to empower and advise these meek, tiny-brained females that they have options.

1. Owner of way too many bracelets – This is the easiest thing truly any daughter can realistically be, requiring very little effort and minor hoarding tendencies. Simply encourage her to keep every bracelet she’s never worn (she’s already doing this). Before she knows it, she’ll have way too many bracelets for any one person that never wears jewelry.

2. A professional balloon artist – Yes, your daughter can absolutely be a clown! In fact, she should be. The best way for your daughter to become a clown and/or professional children's balloon artist is to remind her every day that she is, inevitably, a joke, and encourage her to embrace that!

3. That idiot selling hair straighteners in the center of the mall – Our society could not exist as is without the women standing directly in the middle of the hallway of the mall selling hair straighteners. Plain and simple. These jobs are absolutely vital to the economy and are wildly unappreciated. This is one of the most noble jobs any woman can have.

4. Thin, but not too thin – There’s a VERY fine line, don’t ever let her forget that!

5. A struggling WNBA player – Of course, your daughter can absolutely be the best point guard in the WNBA! Granted, the NBA's average salary is more than 85 times the amount of the average WNBA salary, but those are just numbers! Don’t let that discourage her. Numbers don’t even mean anything, especially for women.

6. Paid less than the guy with the Phish tattoo – She’ll have to get hired first (woof), but if she can pull that miracle off she’s on the right track!

7. Ghosted by several men named Derek – She’s beautiful, smart, funny, charismatic… there’s absolutely no reason why your daughter can’t nor shouldn’t be ghosted by multiple men with the same name (first and last) within the same year. Encourage her to keep putting (out) herself out there! In the words of Albert Einstein, “The definition of success is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

8. Probably bisexual – Give her to age 25.

9. The mean lady that makes the sandwiches in the cafeteria – We all know her. We’re all terrified of her. She has a crooked eye and a glossy stare that says “you better fucking know what you want” before you open your dumb little mouth to order. She has curly, coarse hair, tucked tightly behind her right ear to avoid contamination. She stands with her chest high, prepared for battle. Her hands both powerful and delicate, stuffing the cold cuts inside the bread with aggression and precision. Her apron sports a collection of stains, a constant reminder that she’s been to hell and back. Yes, she charges for the pickle. She never backs down. Never takes a break. She’s tough, and she knows it. She. Makes. Sandwiches. And she could be YOUR daughter.


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