1. Tiny Tim (A Christmas Carol) — Top of the list for the vaccine after health care workers. Unfortunately, the hospital ICU is full of COVID-deniers who need ventilators. He’ll have to put off that crucial operation until hospital capacity is back up. But heck, he's used to waiting.

2. Nicholas Nickelby (Nicholas Nickelby) — Dad died and now he’s supporting Mom and Sister. An essential worker who has to compartmentalize his grief to provide. A hero for our age!

3. Oliver Twist (Oliver Twist) — Very familiar with navigating food banks. Could easily survive on nothing but porridge, but would love just a little more (perhaps a tent, hygiene kit, and/or like permanent houses and services?).

4. Ebenezer Scrooge (A Christmas Carol) — Not just surviving, but THRIVING. Has gone from billionaire to trillionaire during all this. Has no problem moving all his business to an exploitative overseas work force if you don’t want to work without “Hero Pay.”

5. Miss Havisham (Great Expectations) — Born to isolate. Has an entire wedding feast stocked away. Her pod only includes her ward, Estrella. LOVES watching time pass her by. Will survive on the money from the Honeyfund she’ll never use.

6. Child Street Scrubbers, Chimneys Sweeps, Coal Miners, and Wool Mill Laborers (Oliver Twist, but probably all of them) — These kids have recession-proof jobs, no student debt, and they’ll never ask for PPE! Plus they’ve already absorbed, ingested, and accidentally inhaled enough poison that if that didn’t kill them, COVID certainly won’t!

7. Little Dorrit (Little Dorrit) — SHE WAS BORN IN JAIL! Sure, she’s having trouble picking herself up by her bootstraps now. But they don’t call her “Little” for nothing. You can't evict someone so small you can’t find them!

8. Josiah Bounderby (Hard Times) — A “self-made man” who thinks everyone is a soft whiner. Posts on Facebook about how the Stay At Home Orders are destroying his business (investment) even though he’s been working from home. Attends protests against the state mask mandate.

9. The Artful Dodger (Oliver Twist) — Rocks an ACAB tattoo from this summer. Went to protests over the summer, but mostly to break windows. Artfully dodges rubber bullets. Survives by stealing Amazon packages from your neighborhood's front porch. He’s now known as the Scourge of Nextdoor!

10. Charity Pecksniff (Honestly ?) — Surely that’s not their real name. It’s a Russian bot or XXX spam, but not a human! You’ll never know because you didn't bother to read a Dickens novel. And while you’re busy wondering what book this person was even in, they’ve stolen your identity and opened 20 credit cards in your name while collecting your disability, UI, and social security.

11. Ghost of Christmas Future (A Christmas Carol) — Like a Mad Max survivor come to life, the Ghost of Christmas Future keeps chain smoking, shaking, and giddily shrieking, “You think things are messed up now?! Wait 'til you see how they handle the non-essential worker vaccine distribution!”

12. Anyone in Hard Times or Bleak House You don’t need to read these titles to know if a character survived these books—they’d kick your ass.


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