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Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car

I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.

The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.

Books about cowards should have their spines removed.

When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”

Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.

Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!

“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.

Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.