One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
I used to have an irrational fear of leaving the house with the stove on. So now I just bring the stove with me.
My girlfriend said she wanted to spice up our sex life with some role playing. She said next time I should play the sexually unsatisfied partner.
In college, I study theatre, film, and creative writing. Which in the arts means I’m a triple threat, and in my family means I’m a “concern.”
“One more time, and this time with filling!” exclaimed the director of Jelly Donuts Gone Wild.
I was at a barbeque and I saw that the condiments table had a sign reading “Please take only what you need.” I now have a table.
I checked into a hotel and asked for a wake up call. They said “you’re ugly and you’re wasting your life.”
Construction sign says “Road Work,” but how do I know if they won’t let me drive on it?
The woman sat in a corner, knitting a sweater. The man sat in the opposite corner, sweating a knitter.
My wife asked me if I preferred to be buried or cremated. I said “surprise me.”
A magician’s worst nightmare:
1. A guy with amnesia
2. A wizard
3. A saw-resistant assistant
I was picked up and held by the police because, sometimes, I just need to be held.
Girls don’t want a guy who’s down to earth. They want someone tall.
I’m a sophomore, but my girlfriend is a senior. And let me tell you, the joy she brings to my life almost makes the two-and-a-half-hour drive to the nursing home worth it.
Three VIPs got washed up on a desert island. Within a few days they’d all had a guided tour of it.
This meeting could have been an email. This marriage could’ve been a fling. This college degree could’ve been a phase. This breakdown could’ve been a day off. This life coach could’ve been a fortune cookie. This intervention could’ve been a meeting.
Every time I go to confession the priest tells me to stop masturbating. And I always tell him, “Hold on, I’m almost done.”
What does armed to the teeth mean? Isn’t that just braces?
I liked ska music before it wasn’t cool.
I’m not really into safe sex. I always forget the combination.
My dad caught me smoking cigarettes and made me finish the whole pack. Then he caught me looking at his Playboys and made me masturbate to every single page.