“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

— Emily Kling,

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

— Grace Fetterman

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

— Lindsay Marie,

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

— Isabel Brodsky,

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

— Donovan Keene,

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

— Rich Pliskin,

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

— Gracie Kairis,

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

— Amanda Gordon,