In this world of rampant divorce, cost reductions in plastic surgery and Botox, and improvements in the effectiveness of both diet and exercise, it is becoming more and more likely that whoever may be reading this column has fucked a MILF.

MILF baking muffinsIt's not that hard to do anymore (not like it was ever that difficult, but you know, it sure has gotten easier—like your Mom): you simply find an expensive bar near an even more expensive shopping plaza, arrive before your average baby-sitter goes to sleep, find an older woman with a younger woman's hairstyle, interrupt her conversation with a gray-haired and/or bald dude, be funny and charming, and get her out of there before her makeup catches up with the time of night.

To some of us, this older woman search is second nature, to others it is an act of desperation, and to some it is a simple curiosity. But regardless of male motivation, MILF hunting is becoming a more common sport, one where the line between predator and prey is not easily distinguished, and one that has been written about to such a degree that it's not even worth your average whore reporter's time to broach the subject.

Pretty much every problem a single man can have is easier to deal with than the average problem for a single MILF. You may want to respect that. However, this whore reporter has noticed something in both his own life and in the lives of others: some men (and I am guilty of this as well) are actually dating these mid-life crises with breast augmentations and many of these some men have no idea what in the Fig Newton's they are getting involved in when they date a MILF. Fortunately, and as you are aware, you have me and I have a computer.

So, without any more of this introductory poop that is so hard to get off my shoes, I now bring you six things you need to know about MILFs before making one your girlfriend, you curious and/or loveable and/or perverted manwhore, you.

As the man says: all knowledge is learning and therefore good.

Time is of the Essence

MILF holding her daughterPeople often forget that the M in MILF stands for Mother. And available MILFs are often single or divorced mothers, which means they have crazy ass schedules that revolve around picking kids up and dropping them off over and over again. Which means there are two situations in which you will regularly fuck your MILF girlfriend: one that's been planned long in advance and more than likely involves a hotel room, or one in which the MILF discovers at the last minute that she has precisely 43 minutes for you to make her cum before she has to pick up Conner at the daycare or ballpark or friend's house or gymnastic hut (gymnastic gym?) or divorce psychologist or tutor, etc.

With MILFs, the mornings spent pulling tubes and watching cartoons waiting for you and your girlfriend to find some kind of activity to occupy the time between fucking, is gone. You wake up and you have something to do and somewhere to go or she will find somewhere for you to go and do something. MILFs usually have jobs and kids and all the crap that comes with them. You just have you. Which means you should understand that she could care less about your problems.

Spare Her Your Problems

As long as you have a job or legal tender and you have your health, no MILF on the planet will ever consider what is going on in your life to be a problem. In a way, they're not that different from non-mother whores in this respect. I mean, a woman will always consider her problems to be bigger than your problems, but with a MILF, well this is often actually the truth. The fact that you accidentally left the A1 sauce at the Publix checkout counter will never compete with the fact that her damn kid didn't tell her about the science project that was due and then all of the sudden you're covered in fucking glue while trying to re-learn photosynthesis.

What I'm saying is, pretty much every problem a single man can have is easier to deal with than the average problem for a single MILF. You may want to respect that. Unless you just want to play the gigolo angle.

Know That You're Property

Older MILF in lingerie posingSome MILFs don't really date you so much as use you and show you off. This is actually pretty cool because a) these women usually don't mind you cheating on them (they're not serious about you) and b) you usually end up banging their friends (girls: show your friend a diamond and the bitch'll want to be married too).

But even the ones who actually want you as their boyfriend(s) will regularly show you off. They're not dating a guy fifteen years younger than them to NOT be seen with them. That would be like buying a thousand dollar suit and covering it up with a parka. The fuck would be the point?

Oh, and speaking of the point, you probably won't get it.

Nod at the References

Some of you out there might have dated girls ten to fifteen years younger than you (you're forgiven) and in doing so, you out there may have noticed that those chicks don't seem to get your movie references. A few weeks ago, I coi-tailed (my new word; suck on it, Webster) an 18-year-old girl and when I said, "Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria" in my sing songy Pete Venkman voice, she asked, "That's funny. Is it from a movie?"

"Ghostbusters," I said.

"Is that the one with the kid who sees dead people?"

Yeah, laugh all you want. But when you date a MILF, you're the one that doesn't get old movie references, and by the way, once you date a MILF you actually learn that it is better to be the one who doesn't get the old references. It means there's still a little baby-fresh in your skin, geezer.

So yeah, just nod at whatever she references. Odds are it doesn't matter anyway. Kind of like who's right and who's wrong.

MILF in American Pie movie

You are More Wrong than Usual

Every MILF has trust issues, but they're not just your typical, everyday average-woman run of the mill trust issues. No, these are the overblown "I have been screwed over by my ex-husband" and "my kids regularly lie to me to avoid responsibilities" kind of trust issues. If you date a MILF long-term, just understand that she will never, ever believe the simplest thing you say. In fact, if you want to see how argumentative your average MILF is, just tell her you need to run to the grocery store after at least one of them has closed. I guarantee you this will be her response:

"Uh, which grocery store are you going to?"

To which you must respond, "Uh [insert name of closed store here] is closed so I guess I'm going to a different store."

"Yeah, well, you better make sure you pick me up [random item to make sure you prove you went to grocery store] AND it should only take you a few minutes."

"Should I bring you change, Mom?"

"Shut up."

You see, MILFs give you twice the lack of trust. They don't believe what you say because every person close to them has lied to them or is lying to them on a regular basis. Kids lie to see what they can get away with; so do men. Whereas, women lie to cover up who they are.

Her Past is Best Left Alone

She won't tell you her age, or where she's from, or how many men (and/or women) she's slept with, or when she last did cocaine… or anything really. Well, surprise, surprise: the attractive slut who doesn't trust you and who has trouble relating to you won't share her past. That is so shocking. I am shocked here. Next, you're gonna tell me that ain't her real hair color…

Leave it alone, dude. Leave it the hell alone.

The MILF craze is kind of a neat thing. Anything that opens up the number of available DTF (thanks, Jersey Shore!) women is always a good thing. And older women who know what they want are much easier to deal with than younger women who don't… still, there are some things a man needs to know before getting into a long-term relationship with a MILF. Hopefully, the above has helped y'all. My penis works not for my own gratification but for… okay my own gratification.

Fight the urge to thank me, y'all. You were born welcome. And I was born to help.

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