>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
April 17, 2005


This is your guide to every girl on your campus.

The Yoko

Watch out for this one guys. She has the ability to break up a group of guys that have been together since the days of eating paste. She starts dating a guy from the group, but not just any guy, the main one, the glue that holds the rest of the group together—mainly because he's the main paste-eater but also because face it, no girls are dropping their panties for the guy in your group who can most closely identify with Ringo. Slowly but surely she begins to harness his time, making it impossible for him to hang out with his buddies without her there. And she's got an old school Nintendo Game Genie hanging out in her back pocket that makes her invincible—so everybody suffers but her. Eventually the rest of the guys have to move on without their leader. And while the group is still pretty decent in their own right, the paste just doesn't have that minty taste anymore and now smells like MSG.

The Dumb Box

When you talk to this one you always leave the conversation thinking, “How the hell did she get into this school?” or “Isn't there a screening process to weed the stupid ones out so they won't continue to breed?” She doesn't understand common knowledge, she asks the stupid questions in class, and she thinks that her friend Yoko's friend Ringo has a child's song named after him. But she does know every line from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, and she's usually really petite and cute-looking, and all around pretty harmless. So socially it's good to have her around if for nothing else but to make you look smart in front of, well everyone else.

The “One of the Guys Girl”

“I know Abercrombie clothes suck when it comes to sizes, but no one wants to see a belly ring resting comfortably on a big wad of Popeye's chicken.”

She's literally one of the guys. Wherever guys go she's there. She's like the anti-Christ for other girls who want to hang out with the guys, but can't because they're feeling judged by this one who is best friends with the entire group. (Except Yoko because she's got that permanent fireball power. Thank you Game Genie.) And while One of the Guy's Girl is never dating anyone in the group because, and she says with smug pride, because I'm like their little sister and they're all my big protectors. Yeah so she never really gets laid either. Or at least that's what the rest of us who are sitting in our big groups at parties watching her infiltrate the still very common grade school gender line—men one side of the room, women on the other—would like to believe. In short, guys love her because she pretends not to be an emotional needy girl, and girls hate her because she can't really dress herself stylishly for a party (are those white shoes with a black dress?) and no one seems to care.

The Make-Out Bandit

She keeps a list of all the guys she's made out with in her life, but stopped around 187 when she realized she had a long night and didn't catch some of the guy's last name, and wasn't sure if the last person she was making out with was a girl or a guy. Whatever the case, maybe she's the Ron Jeremy of tongue action. Every time you see her she's always sucking face with someone. She's claimed to have mono at least three times now, a habit that also serves as her diet secret and that's how she stays so thin. Her only true attribute is the fact that she's had so much practice at kissing that she truly can be noted as the best kisser on campus. Today the campus, tomorrow the world: professional kisser – teaches you how to suck face good for ten bucks an hour. Just know that her tongue may have a whole new colony of species growing on it.

The Girl With Bad Roots

She was born with blonde hair. When it started to fade or grow darker in high school she got it highlighted. And since then has always got it highlighted. So through theyears she's been many shades of blonde. But sometimes she waits eight weeks instead of four to get them roots from showing and now her hair looks like late eighties Madonna. Dark black, then blonde. You can't say anything either because she's usually super nice and friendly—but I know some girls really just want to throw a bottle of peroxide at her while driving in a car so she won't be able to identify them later.

The Funny But Emotionally Wounded Drunk

Overall a funny drunk, but sometimes one too many rum and cokes make her unusually edgy. When this happens she proceeds to make fun of The Girl With Bad Roots who's now dating the drunk's ex-boyfriend. However, in her defense, her actions are only provoked when she sees people she feels emotionally betrayed by and let's them have it. “Remember in sixth grade when you weren't allowed to use paste anymore and I slipped you some during PE? Yeah well thanks a lot for not leaving me a Valentine's Day card that year.” Or maybe a more recent reference, “I don't know why he's dating you. You have bad roots. If I had roots as bad as yours and was dating you I would dump you and then date myself. That's right I said date myself.” Then she walks away and plugs the tapper to the keg in her mouth and slowly sips her way into Blackoutville. But it's so endearing when you see her next that you laugh—except the nice girl with bad roots, but come on, someone had to tell her.

LoveHandles

This girl wears shirts and shorts and skirts that are too tight for her tummy. Consequently her tummy, or for the unpolitically correct, “beer belly,” or if you prefer “Freshman 15” maybe just plain old FAT, hangs off the sides of herself. Now you normally don't see this on the East and West Coast Schools because they have special doctors to take care of that, but in the Midwest and (thanks to Supersize Me) Texas they have girls who look like fried chicken is being mass produced. And I know that Abercrombie clothes suck when it comes to sizes, but no one wants to see a belly ring resting comfortably on a big wad of Popeye's chicken and biscuit gravy baby.

The Exchange Student

Doesn't like watching The Family Guy because she doesn't get the jokes. However she still enjoys watching Sex and the City even though she sometimes gets the slang confused. “Toxic Bachelor is just drunk man right?” Well, the definition is a little more complicated than that, but sure just go with it. Normally blonde and wears designer clothes. Only dates Abercrombie looking guys and never has to buy herself drinks in bars because of her cute accent. In other words, every American girl's nightmare. Also the ringer of her cell phone is one of Abba's greatest hits or 50 Cent's In Da Club. That's it, only those two.

The Bullhorn

You're on first floor and you can hear her voice from the fourth floor. She has no concept of a little thing I like to call volume control. You know all her business, and not by choice, but because all she does is blast it in her loud speaker of a voice. I live two doors down the hall from opera singers who like to practice at three in the afternoon when I'm trying to nap and I can still hear her this girl's voice from outside my window in the parking lot six floors down. This is where we need Funny But Emotionally Wounded Drunk girl to pick up a remote and point it at her to turn her voice level down.

The Watcher

She doesn't talk much. All she does in class is stare. Stares at the professor. Stares out the window. But it's really creepy when the professor is talking, the window is on your left-hand side and half her body is turned around on the chair and she's just staring at you. This happens because she was denied video games as a child and now has no eye coordination, which means she'll never be a Yoko, so I guess that's good news but it still freaks anyone out that's in her line of sight.

Put It On My Tab

Ah yes the generous drunk that busts out her credit card and wakes up with signed tabs that she's convinced is just the bar's phone number.

Butt I Like It Girl

Is open about the fact that she likes sex in an area normally reserved for sitting.

The Outdoor Whore

Is known for wanting to have sex in the most random places. A pitcher's mound, a grassy knoll down by the river, the laundry room. Anywhere public that she can be caught. A water tower, a cornfield, the airport runway, wherever there's a throw blanket in a public space she'll be there.

Clit Blocker

Girl who isn't hip to cues and thus is unable to leave a guy and girl alone in the room so they don't have to make it so obvious they're going to hook up. Eventually she just keeps talking so much that the guy can't stand it and leaves. Then the now sexually starved girl screams at her friend for not knowing how to shut up and just leave. Even the Dumb Box got the hint twenty minutes ago, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Crazy (Insert Name Here)

Crazy Melissa, Crazy Cassandra, Crazy Monica. Crazy Rachael. She's just the girl on campus who got dubbed the crazy one because she's, well, just plain old crazy. She dresses up like she works at a Renaissance festival everyday or wears the Mardi Gras beads to class that she got at the bar from the night before because “they're pretty.” Also she's been seen sitting in only a blanket outside her room crying and completely inconsolable. Like I said Crazy.

The Co-Dependent

Or if prefer the politically correct term, Serial Monogamist. She's the girl who's never without a boyfriend, or practically lives with her boyfriend in his apartment or dorm room. You never see her without him. And if she's ever been single it's only been for five minutes while she was scoping out her next serious long term relationship.

The Emotionally Damaged

Oh wait that's all of them.

Continue the Series:

The Chicktionary, Part II
Guide to all the girls on campus, plus businesswomen

The Dicktionary
Guide to all the guys on campus


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