We learned the lessons of taking the high road vs. low road from Bart Simpson. We smile politely and let the little things go. Until one day for no real reason we snap.
Did you hear the one about the woman who was engaged to a man who decided to marry CrossFit instead? Settle in, I'll tell you her story.
Welcome to reunion weekend. Come catch up with people who didn't make an effort to stay in touch, but claim to love you nonetheless.
While it's important to remain hopeful about your romantic future, it's more important to be realistic: nothing is going to work out like a Nick Sparks screenplay.
If this is all symbolic anyway, then why can't the church bless a package of Oreos and distribute them accordingly? You'd see more children paying attention.
One day soon you will wake up and all of your friends will have babies. And you will think, "But we haven't gone to New Zealand or the Playboy Mansion Party yet!"
I didn't even know they still manufactured Zest soap, but your puss isn't fully clean until it's ZESTFULLY clean, and covered in pubes from rubbing too hard.
You women and your pedestrian conversations in public make me want to rip my ears out and hand them to you. At least then you'd have something interesting to talk about.
The Cullens are survived by their only daughter, Simonne, who said, "At least they died doing what they loved most: arguing...and buying other people's junk."
My job as a flight attendant sucks. People think I’m zipping around the universe, but the truth is I don’t fly anywhere noteworthy. Never Honolulu, not Cabo, just Canada.
You might not like wince-worthy situations like these, but they are necessary to everyday life. Remember, the safest sex is awkward sex.
Fresh from the real world market, it's all the glitz and glam that comes with being lowest on the corporate ladder: the full-time intern.