>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
February 15, 2006

Hooker Haiku

The hooker is dead
Um…what do I do now then?
Give me a beer, please.

So you’re getting tired of fucking your aging wife, bitching girlfriend, or little sister, huh? What are wives, girlfriends, or family members but socially-accepted hookers anyway? You pay and pay, but receive sex only when they feel like it. Well, my friend, no more! There’s hope!

You say you’re running out of dates, pick-up lines, or roofies too? With a Republican in the White House, who could blame you! The costs of movies, dinners, and “reassurance” medication are soaring because we can’t get them from Canada. No more, buddy! There’s hope!

Wait, you’re also poor, desperate or intolerably ugly? Fine! No longer will you have to rely on the fates or fucks of really, really fat chicks. Because there’s hope, you see! Hope in the form of a blonde harelip on your local street corner. Hope in the form of an illegal immigrant maid at a nearby motel. Hope in the form of one in every five women. That’s right, there’s hope in the hooker.

“Think about this: if she didn’t want you to jizz in her hair, she should’ve went to college instead of being a fucking sleazebag.”

She doesn’t realize her potential to save you from your sexless marriage or relationship, of course. Her job, as she sees it, is that of a profession akin to a conman. She strips, suckles, and fuckles, only to the point in which she has to. Her life consists of sunless tanning lotions, banana sandwiches, and the Jenny Jones show; she could care less about your sexual gratification. She is a heartless woman, waiting for you to cum on her face so you’ll give her that bag of coke that you laced with granulated sugar. And in these trying times, you’re going to want to get the best out of her.

Well, fellow pervert, if you’ve done any research on the matter, I don’t need to tell you that prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. What you probably don’t realize though, is that over the millennia, hookers have evolved (like apes to humans) and learned numerous ploys to fuck their marks over. Short-changing blowjobs, faking orgasms, and bogus swallowing have become an all-too-common occurrence in the prostitution industry. And most horny bastards who buy hookers are very unaware of these strategies. Fear not. I, Nick Gaudio, have found a way to get around these tricks’ tricky tricks with a little pamphlet I call “More Hooker for your Money.”

More Hooker for Your Money

Any self-respecting woman wouldn’t let you do any of the following. Luckily for you, you have just purchased a jizz trap which doesn’t value an inch of her skin. Follow this list to the T and you will have yourself a great time, partner.

1. Cum in her hair.

That’s right, lay out your loin juice in her locks. Hells, if you’re into it, ball her hair up and jerk off with it. Or better yet, have her jerk you off with it.

And hey, if you’re morally opposed to that, think about this: if she didn’t want you to jizz in her hair, she should’ve went to college instead of being a fucking sleazebag.

2. Insult her.

Verbal abuse is like a bag of oranges: it leaves no bruises. Don’t be afraid to call her a cunt, a whore, a slut, a hobag, a tramp, a lefty, a floozy, a concubine, a strumpet, a tart, a “working girl,” a fatass, a fat ho, a fat slut, a fat floozy, a corpulent cocksucker, a titless man-child, or the Antichrist while you’re givin’ it to her good.

3. Become friends with her pimp.

If he’s a good enough pimp, he won’t care too much about a quip directed at his nympho’s loose vag or a little baby batter in her doo. But, he will care if you do the following shit. So be sure to take him out to eat. From my experience, pimps like mixed drinks, fried chicken, and convincing young waitresses to join the circuit. Ruby Tuesday’s perhaps?

4. Attach a rusty knife to the end of your dick.

She can’t run to the cops, she’s a fucking hooker! Ever since puberty, you’ve subconsciously wanted to do this. Luckily, nothing about this is illegal. If she dies, you don’t have to pay. If she lives, well that’s good for her.

5. Steal her purse.

Okay, so it’s going to be a fake designer. Big deal, I’m guessing that if you bought a hooker, you’re not a fag and don’t care about that anyway. What I’m saying is, you want to steal her purse so you’re able find out her real name. Then, instead of telling your buddies you fucked a Bunny or a Starlight, you can tell them you fucked a Jenny or a Lisa: a much more boast-worthy experience. Also, stealing the bitch’s purse after you fuck/pay her assures that you didn’t do anything illegal at all.

6. Get her pregnant.

That’s right, I said it. You see, by putting a pinhole in your condom, convincing her pimp to switch her birth control to breast enhancement supplements, or just fucking her raw, and by arranging a meeting slightly before she’s scheduled to rag, you’ll get that bitch pregnant lickety-split.

What’s the pro of this? Well, that’s easy. If it’s a boy, you’ve got slave labor. If it’s a girl, you’ve got yourself a guaranteed lay and a money-making venture to boot!

7. Fuck her savagely on your ex-girlfriends’ beds.

See, this requires a special kind of vindictive desire. Somehow you must break into your old ex’s houses and fuck your hooker on their beds. If you can manage to tie up your ex and tape her eyelids open while you do it, kudos to you sir.

Oh yeah, be sure that the hooker is on the rag when you do this.

8. Get her to douche with a beverage of your choice before you fuck her.

There’s nothing like going down on a bitch who just washed out her disease-ridden coochie with Sunkist orange soda. Other potential products include: milk, beer, Jack Daniels, soy sauce, pickle brine, and Listerine. Oh, and I know you want sexual gratification too, so have her suck your dick while you do it.

9. Set that bitch on fire.

When you’re setting up the arrangements, pay her a little extra for cuddling after the sex. Then, after you fuck her awful, light up a cig and put it out in her hair. She won’t notice it at first, but when she does, oh boy! It’s a fucking LAUGH RIOT.

Trust me, man…sex and comedy: the world’s best combination.

10. And finally, put cockroach eggs in her pussy.

If you’re the type to buy a hooker, while clever and prudent, you’ve got a little sadistic streak in you. So, if you really want to get the most out of your slut, you’re obligated to try this.

You see, cockroach eggs can develop and mature into full-fledge cockroaches in very inhospitable climates. So, even if the nasty skank douches with nuclear waste, those little bastards are going to build a nest in her uterus.

So there you have it, friends. My first article. I’m glad to be a part of this wonderful creation of the divine being (Court Sullivan).