>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

December 20, 2006
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Nathan: So, Justin Rebello’s leaving Points in Case.
Josh:
Fuck, there’s like no reason to go back to that site now. Well, except for the college quotes.
Nathan:
Fuck you.

When a man pretends to settle down by simultaneously acknowledging the need to do so and fighting said need with every fiber of his being, he tends to take stock of the women from his past relationships. From doing so, said man usually observes the six archetypes of relationship-style women.

You see, relationship-style women are very different from single women because they don’t have to laugh at our jokes to fuck us menanymore. Also, they get to stop hiding how utterly fucking insane they are because we’re already stuck with them. If a man dates enough women, certain traits become omnipresent and well, downright annoying.

There are six types of relationship-style girls out there, and almost all of them suck in the negative way.

“The best advice I can give you men when dealing with this particular brand of crazy: move far away.”

1. I Love You Girl

The I Love You Girl is the girl who, for whatever reason, thinks that the relationship is never going to progress until the two of you start saying “I love you” to each other. Naturally, she’s right, but men don’t typically want the relationship to progress. So they don’t return the favor. This typically causes the I Love You Girl to either a) prove how much she loves her man on an almost daily basis in an attempt to get him to say those words, or b) bitch about the fact that he never says “I love you” (fellas, you can guess which choice they usually pick). There is no way to deter this vixen from her quest to hear those simple words, but there is a way to buy oneself a lot of time. Huddle up fellas, here comes a brief lesson.

When dating an I Love You Girl, make a point never to say those words until she fucks something of yours up. The second the I Love You Girl breaks something or does something otherwise apology-worthy, right after she tells you how bad she fucked up, say “I love you, babe,” in a sarcastic tone. Keep this up and eventually, her pretty perception of those words may roughen up a little.

Also, she’ll come to hate you. But whatever. Small price to pay and all that.

2. You Will Change Girl

Obviously, as the name implies, You Will Change Girl is the kind of girl who will go all out to make sure that you, the man with whom she is smitten, completely change to become the man she will love. God, she cracks me up. I mean, how naïve.

Anyway, I always do well with You Will Change Girl at first, because I really do want to change (no really). And the first thing that You Will Change Girl usually wants to change is my appearance (hair and clothes). That’s always fine with me if she’s willing to pay for it and if the clothes are comfortable because, I mean, what do I give a fuck? It’s all superficial bullshit anyway.

However, after she’s done turning me into a penis-owning Ken Doll, You Will Change Girl will then try to change my habits. This is a little like fighting air. Though there’s no real way to keep You Will Change Girl around without changing yourself, usually you get a lot of free clothes out of the relationship. So that’s a plus.

By the way, this chick almost always ends up with a total douche who lets her talk for him.

3. Everything is an Argument Girl

Everything is an Argument Girl: Did you see Satin last night?
Me:
What’s Satin?
EAG:
Come on, you know what Satin is.
Me:
Uhh, it’s a cloth.
EAG:
Fine, if you’re gonna be like that then you can just suck your own cock tonight.
Me:
What the hell are you talking about? Are we in an argument right now?
EAG:
Like you don’t know.
Me:
You know, I think we have to change the rules, here. From now on, when we’re in an argument, you have to throw a flag or something so I know what the fuck is going on. I mean— shit, are you crying?
EAG:
You hate me.

4. Don’t Look at My Man Girl

Don’t Look at My Man Girl can best be described as Mrs. Doug Christie, but since many of you don’t care much about sports and don’t know who I’m talking about, I’ll give you a brief description (ain’t I a fucking prince?).

Don’t Look at My Man Girl literally cannot get through one public event without threatening the life of another woman who may or may not be trying to fuck her man. She’s usually violent, irrational, and great in bed. Also, and I’m only guessing here, but I have this weird feeling that the majority of women in prison are Don’t Look at My Man Girls. Call it a hunch.

Dealing with Don’t Look at My Man Girl is almost impossible. The best advice I can give you men when dealing with this particular brand of crazy: move far away. You may want to change your name, too.

5. You Will Suffer Girl

You Will Suffer Girl is the girl who makes it very clear that if you ever do anything even remotely unfaithful to her, not only will she hurt you physically, but she’ll steal your identity, trash your car, and spread rumors that you have a small, syphilis-infested cock.

Unfortunately, it is pretty much impossible to identify this girl before she happens. She typically starts out as one of the five other types of girls, then morphs into this after she catches you fucking her friend. Dealing with this girl typically involves utilizing the fourth amendment. Good luck and God speed and all that.

6. Reasonably Sane Girl

This girl has a great global perspective, a healthy outlook on life, a rare intelligence and wit, and a boyfriend of five years who knows how
lucky he is.

Fucking bitches.

Before we end here, I want it known that these six types of relationship-style women do not come cut and dry and clean on a cyber list. In fact, some of these women manage to mix all five kinds of crazy into an early afternoon. Hell, some of them are so bad they’re a unique brand of crazy that can only be typed by actual shrinks. I would love to tell you all that this is the worst of it, but, truth be known, I think this column is actually a pretty tame assessment.

Wow, writing that last sentence even depressed me.

Merry Christmas.


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