>>> Edited For Content
By staff writer Mike Forest
September 22, 2004

In my audition column a couple of months ago I promised you readers that if elected… er…chosen, one day I would write a column about Social Security. I've received no emails demanding to read this as-yet-not-written column—in fact, I’ve only gotten one stalker email since I started writing for PIC, and it was from a guy. DAMMIT! I'M GOOGLEABLE! SOMEBODY FUCKING STALK ME!


I know there's at least one of you out there dying to read my take on Social Security. The thought of it keeps you up at night. It gnaws at the back of your mind. Your life won't be complete until you read it. You'll be happy to know: The wait is over.

Of course I have no idea what Social Security is, so I went online to see if there was a page that could explain to me what that 10-digit number really means. It turns out the government has a page that explains Social Security to kids. It even has little stories with morals that explain the finer points. The morals were what stopped me. They were total bullshit. I can’t believe they lie to kids like this. I'll show you what I mean.

-The first story is an ugly, Cliff Notes version of an old fable, The Turtle and the Hare:

A big mouth rabbit bragged that he was so fast no one could out run him. I told the rabbit, “I'll race you.” The rabbit dashed so far ahead of me that he thought he had time to take a nap. I am slow, but I passed the rabbit while he was sleeping and I WON the race!

The Moral of the Story: Slow but sure wins the race! With Social Security everybody wins.

Culturally Relevant Truth: With all the drugs available these days, there has to be one that lets you keep going forever and not stop. No, I mean besides cocaine. It probably has an innocuous name like “Zeffrin: The Green-Striped Pill.” Ask your doctor if Zeffrin is right for you. Side affects include death, death by heart explosion, and anal leakage. People who are pregnant, may become pregnant, or are thinking about doing the deed that makes someone else pregnant should not take Zeffrin.

-The next story is about a crow:

I was trying to get a drink of water, but I couldn't reach the water in the bottom of the pitcher. I dropped stones in the pitcher to make the water rise to where I could drink it. It was a lot of slow work, but it was worth it in the end.

The Moral of the Story: Little by little does the trick. People use Social Security to build for the future.

Culturally Relevant Truth: You’re going to have to wait your whole life just to get a drink. That’s right. A drink. Live it up and party hard now, but some crow is going to drink all the water before you get a chance. That crow never even went to college.

-Next we hear from the grasshopper, a much stupider animal:

When I saw an ant moving an ear of corn, I invited the ant to stop working so hard and relax with me. The ant said he had to keep working to store for the winter. When winter came all the ants shared the corn they stored and I had no food, so I was very hungry.

The Moral of the Story: We need to prepare for the future. Social Security helps you save for the future.

Culturally Relevant Truth: Soon we'll have outsourced every job in the country and you’ll never have to work again. School is for chumps, kiddies. Kick back and enjoy the easy life. The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is choose which pill you want to take to get your penis hard. I have seen the future and it’s full of Wookies and space pirates. Invest in tech stocks.

-The next story is about the lion, the mightiest beast in the jungle:

When I used to chase the cows, I couldn't get them because they stuck together. I was able to get them, one by one after they fought and separated.

The Moral of the Story: United we stand: divided we fall. Social Security protects everybody.

Culturally Relevant Truth: Cows are stupid. Stay with the masses and you’ll be safe. The lion is a fucking pimp. I used to love watching National Geographic; seeing the lion take out the weaklings. I always thought I was a lion. The truth is, I'm a cow. We're all cows. The government wants you to think—

This column has been confiscated by the FCC who recently determined that the Constitution allows them to monitor any and all traffic on the website known as www.pointsincase.com. (We also know about the donkey porn you’ve been downloading. We are calling your mother right now.) By reading this column you are hereby deemed guilty of treason. We advise you to turn off your computer, push your chair back, and go write a letter of apology to God, your Congressperson, and George W. Bush. You will be contacted in 12-14 weeks with your sentence. That’s right. You’re going to jail. We now return you to the column.

So like I was saying, Social Security was passed down to Moses from God on the same stone tablets that contained the Ten Commandments. They didn't know it at the time because they were written in English, which hadn’t been invented yet.

Social Security is a divine gift from the government to you. It's the best bank in the world. Your money working for you, working for everyone, supporting the laziest.

We—I mean, The Beech—thanks you for reading. Please leave your comments in the space provided below. Type hard, you are making three copies. Please provide an address and the best phone number to reach you for…follow-up. Yeah that's it. Follow-up.