Valentine's Day can be a vexing holiday for spineless pansies who lack the balls to explain to their women that Hallmark will not dictate when they get gifts. Now, I have never given a girl anything on Valentine's Day. Not once. In fact, one Valentine's Day I actually mistakenly threw away a girl's shirt. That's right, I actually took something from a chick on Valentine's Day. You can ask around but I'll save you the trouble: I'm a dick. Fortunately for me, girls seem to like that. Or, as was recently told to me by a 19-year-old bar waitress, "The assholes are always the cutest."

Stuffed bear with a knife in it's back bleeding Valentine heartsLife's not fair.

But fear not, readers young and old, for when I was born, Zeus reached down from the heavens and turned my brain into a slave to the common man. That's right, and you know it: I'm here to help.

So, if you're strapped for cash (I love how this fucking "holiday" always falls on the day before my biggest paycheck of the month), don't have the time, or just plain don't want to get your girlfriend anything for Valentine's Day, here are some ways you can get around it.

The Direct Approach

I'm not taking you out to dinner because the wasteful attitudes of most restaurant owners have led to a serious raping of land and sea.I'm not a spineless man who lacks balls so I just tell women that Valentine's Day is a stupid Hallmark holiday invented to sell chocolates and convince lonely, single women that they are ugly and unwanted. And though I have no problem with the proliferation of chocolate candies and though I think anything that makes single chicks desperate is good for America, I just cannot pretend that any day I have to work could actually be a holiday and I refuse to participate in buying you any stupid crap to show you how much I love you. That's what cunnilingus is for.

Now, some of you may find that the direct approach does not work for you, which is why I've got a few more for you.

The Environmental Approach

The bumble bee population is in serious decline and could really end up screwing up nature and our food supply and that's why I'm not getting you flowers. We need those bees for fruit. I mean, a world without blueberries is a hell of a lot scarier than a world without roses. And the destruction of the land by cacao farmers combined with the obliteration of their culture by the imperialist swines who run the world's chocolate supply is the reason you get no candy. That and high fructose corn syrup is ruining America's health day by day. And I'm not taking you out to dinner because the wasteful attitudes of most restaurant owners have led to a serious raping of land and sea.

Basically, if you love me you have to love the environment. And people who care about the environment are cheap. Except those people who buy organic food because they believe what stickers tell them. But they don't count because they're stupid and usually drive SUVs. Despite all its downsides, stupidity does have advantages when avoiding Valentine's Day.

The Forgetful Approach

I forgot. That's right. I didn't see one commercial or advertisement or receive one hint that Valentine's Day was coming up. Sorry I'm so stupid. Want me to go down on you?

What do you mean, you don't believe me? Well then, let me tell you something about your stupid cat

The Argument Approach

My buddy Rick likes to get in fierce, drop down, drag out arguments that last for days around Valentine's Day. Whatever she says, she's wrong. Whatever she does, she's a whore. Whenever she arrives, it's the wrong time. And on and on. Amazingly enough, he always apologizes around February 16th or so. Turns out she was right all along. How about that?

Most men hate being told what to do. Most men hate fabricated holidays. Most men hate shopping for women. Therefore, ergo and all that, most men hate Valentine's Day. Some men, like me, refuse to participate in it. Many men were looking for ways to get around having to participate in Valentine's Day.

And I just showed them because I'm here to help. No need to thank me.

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies. I hope you enjoy this stupid and unnecessary pink and red day.