>>> Deer Court
By staff writer Court (the deer)
April 14, 2004

Deer Court,

Lies! ALL LIES!I was watching Walker Texas Ranger the other day and he was deer huntin' with an Indian (the featherhead kind). He was about to shoot a deer but then the deer sent him a telepathic message that it wasn't the right time. About 20 minutes later another deer walked out in the open and its spirit told Walker (who was raised by an Indian) it was cool to shoot him. Walker wasn't in a treestand and didn't even have on any fuckin' camo. I hunt in Kanawha and Roane county and have never once had a deer spirit talk to me. How come deer won't do shit like that for everybody?

James Stanley

P.S. If it matters, I'm like 1/32 Blackfoot Indian. Send the memo to your country cousins.

Dear James,

You've been tricked!

Despite having higher aptitudes than most humans will admit, deer are certainly not capable of telepathy. This is another case of “movie magic,” where producers can get away with things like telepathy simply through high-tech digital effects like, dialogue and invisible messages.

What you witnessed on TV is called “natural selection.” It's like the lottery, except you don't hit it, it hits you. And you're dead before you even know it (what hit you that is). Which I suppose is good, since winning is really just losing in the eyes of those around the beholder.

Sure, the second deer will get a proper burial—or if he's lucky, a quality mount in a busy ski lodge—but its death ensures the survival of our species. You can't start daydreaming about spirits in the open field and expect to see your grandfawns grow up! Telepathy, ha! More like apathy.

Court (the deer)

P.S. Deer don't assign extra respect to Native Americans. Trust me, spears and arrows are a whole lot more painful.