Can I tell you a secret?
Ok. Don’t laugh. I like to think of myself as a guy’s guy. I like sports, beer, Madden, jerking off, and farting for sport. But I think every guy, as hard as we try, has some effeminate qualities. It’s true. Even me. Seriously, I’ll even give you some white space to let that sink in….
What are some of my effeminate qualities?
Glad you asked. Well, I’ve seen Love, Actually close to 50 times, I bawled like a baby during the finale of Dawson’s Creek Season 1 (when Joey and her dad were talking at the prison), I actually enjoyed the Liz Phair era, and yes, I consider Brad Pitt to be my favorite actor. Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. Still, there is one last quirk I possess of which I’m not particularly proud:
I pee sitting down.
You may be thinking, what a tool! And if not, thanks, but don’t patronize me. I don’t pee standing up. Believe me, I’ve tried. It’s just one of those things like calculus and flip cup, that I just can’t do. And here’s why:
1. Ever seen Shaq trying to make free throws? That’s me peeing standing up.
When I’m done, I mean, the seat is soaked. And I’ve tried, but unfortunately there’s no shooting range for me to practice, except for maybe those ashtrays at movie theaters. Now you’d be surprised, but that gets frowned upon.
2. Ever try to pee with wood?
Yeah, that’s fun. It’s like trying to hit a knuckleball with a fish.
3. Maybe I’m just lazy.
I just like sitting down. Standing seems like something only undesirable minorities should have to do. (And by undesirable minorities, I mean everyone, because that’s the only way this great land of ours can change. I’m JD Rebello and I approve this parenthetical.) I sit on the subway, and if some old lady with one leg and a bag of her own urine wants to sit, I laugh and laugh and stretch out while she cries and mumbles something like, “Say a prayer for the youth of America.”
4. Sometimes, when peeing, that other bodily function kicks in.
I’m just saying, it never hurt to be pre-emptive. Thanks for me teaching me values, President Bush.
5. I suck at the drip-dry.
I don’t know what it is, but whenever I use a urinal, I seemingly exude every drip out of my piece, and as soon as I pull my pants off, a freakin’ yellow Mississippi goes rolling down my leg. Yeah that’s fun. “Sorry, sweetheart, date’s over. Why? Look at my pants!!!”
6. Personally, I think it makes me endearing.
Girls are always bitching how they want guys to be more understanding. Well, what’s more understanding than peeing sitting down? It’s either this or I start wearing your underwear. Your call.