WASHINGTON—Moments after announcing that American soldiers had killed Osama bin Laden, President Barack Obama vowed to begin the search for the missing Twin Towers of the World Trade Center.

Twin Towers of the World Trade Center
Above: An artist's rendering of the future Twin Towers in the same place they used to be.
"Today, the American people can finally take comfort in the fact that justice has been served for the organizer of the September 11th plot. Our work, however, is just beginning. We turn our focus now to the search for the New York City buildings which were so tragically and abruptly taken from us," said Obama, speaking in a televised statement from the White House. "The Twin Towers did not simply vanish into thin air. They have been stolen and hidden away by al-Qaida in an attempt to undermine our national security, organizational skills, and vertical office space."

A top military official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said theories on the disappearance of the Twin Towers range from the possibility that underground al-Qaida members sank them into their lair through two giant trap doors, to the more likely scenario that bin Laden's sons employed Romulan cloaking devices to whisk them away in broad daylight. The official also added that there is a slim chance New York City firefighters simply misplaced the towers during an evacuation drill, though he would not elaborate, given the potential embarassment to city and federal government.

Jubilant but sometimes tearful faces could be seen all over New York City early Monday morning following the president's announcement.

"Now that we've got the bad guy, it's time to take back the jewels," said Travis Renfro, 28, who could be seen parading around Times Square with a sign that read, "WE'RE COMING FOR THE TOWERS NOW" in blood red fingerpaint. "I just hope it doesn't take another ten years to find them, because they might've already built a bunch of new ones by then. It'd be a shame not to have any room left for them."

Most revelers agreed that videos depicting the Twin Towers crumbling to the ground were just a hoax designed to focus American attention on the revenge hunt for bin Laden.

"As angry as I was to learn that the towers are still out there somewhere, right now I can't help but feel energized by the death of Osama," said Taylor Jennings, 34, who toasted a beer with friends in the middle of a Brooklyn street. "If anyone can get those towers back, it's Obama. This war is not over yet."


And now a quick joke...

“The only way out is through.” —Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like.