We’re so excited you’re here!

As we begin our campus tour, show of hands, how many of you are doing your very first college tour?

Four? Great!

How many of you are on your fifth college tour or more?

Tenth?

Wow, okay. Great. Show of hands, how many are considering Other University as their first choice?

That’s… Okay! That’s okay. Not offended. We get that a lot. Well, I hope this turns out to be what you’ve been looking for. I think you might be pleasantly surprised—or, just maybe, surprised at how much you’re resigned to this place.

Let’s start with campus history. Otther Theological College opened in 1782, organized by a group of civic-minded farm equipment manufacturers who saw a need in the community to find a place to send children from the local farms who were proving to be bad at agriculture and might be harmless as ministers. After a few years, they opened an agriculture department. In 1794, the theological college burned to the ground, some say by witches, and was rebuilt in 1795 by local train tycoon Silas Tother when he needed a place to quietly send his troublesome boys, Phinneas and Hellmouth. Rumor has it they had been consorting with witches, or women interested in math, as they are now known.

Let’s start walking.

First stop: Hamilton Square. The music program was added in 1967 through a generous endowment from Wayne Hamilton, a prosperous weed dealer who was thinking of taking up the guitar. That’s the Hendrix Auditorium over there, next to the Mamas and Papas Pavilion.

And I can announce that just today we’ve received an alumni donation, and in September we will officially rename it the Drivers License Pavilion. We have a very active, involved alumni. We don’t ask questions.

Here we are in the Humanities Building. Anyone wants it named after them, let us know, ha ha. You’ll notice the professors have offices right here in the main hallway, which illustrates how they are accessible to students. When they’re not teaching, they’re ready to talk. Their doors are always open. Well, I mean, closed, because there’s a lot of noise in the halls, and we’ve had a few thefts, but mentally, spiritually open. I can email or text my English professor at three in the morning and he’ll be up for a conversation.

Saying that out loud, I realize what that sounds like, but it’s not like that, as far as I’m aware. Really.

Anyway, Humanities. We have a lot of classes.

And now here is the Bezos Musk TransAmerica Buffett School of Business. This building is so new and modern that we’ve never stopped building it. We swap out alternate wings each semester. The cafe floor is Venetian marble. The fresco is by Banksy. Unlike the Humanities Building, there are both clean windows and three-prong outlets. Every instructor in our program is under investigation by at least one state or federal agency, so you know they know their stuff. The professors secure tenure if they can avoid convictions on three or more counts.

Our Science Building. We offer the only certified degree in hacking in the United States. Because we are located in a rural part of the state, we offer no biology classes on reproduction or disease prevention. But we do have a $25 million Sports Medicine building, over there by the stadium.

If you’re worried the campus is too small, we have a lot of international programs and work-study with major corporations such as Metzger Free-Range Organic Potatoes and Jack in the Box. You barely have to be here at all!

We have many sports. You don’t even have to be good, unless you play football or basketball. The lacrosse team is always taking anybody. Lots of turnover there. I refer you back to our Sports Medicine program.

The amenities are great here! Everybody belongs to a club. Lots of places on campus to grab a burger or some quinoa, Tothertown begins right across the street, with at least 16 taprooms along four blocks, opening at ten every morning, except Sundays and during parental visits. There are also some bookstores, somewhere, I’ve been told.

All students are required to live in university housing for the first two years, and I have been instructed to say it’s for safety, not so the college collects rent. (Wink!) There is an exception for members of fraternities. Not for sororities, however, as there is still active local concern about witchery.

It’s also common for upper-classpersons to rent houses or apartments in the town, across the street. I want to mention that the town is frequently used for film production locations, particularly for Blumhouse and Troma. Some of you get that. Make of it what you will.


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