Dear Human Man Submitting a #MeToo “Apology”:
We, The Angels Committee for Apology Review, receive a large number of apologies every year, and on Yom Kippur, sometimes known as the Day of Atonement, we send our recommendations to our boss (She’s the universe’s boss, too) for who will be inscribed in the next year’s Book of Life.
In 5778 (to you, that’s October 2017 through, well, now-ish), we’ve experienced a deluge of apology submissions from human men responding to the #MeToo movement. We regret to inform you that the majority of these pieces fell far below our standards for inclusion in the Book of Life, and can even be categorized as “non-apologies.” If you’re receiving this message, that means that, sadly, it’s going to be a pass from us on your #MeToo “apology” piece this year.
Unfortunately, due to the extraordinary volume of half-baked, first-draft apologies sent to us in 5778, we are unable to respond to every submission individually. However, we would like to offer the below feedback in hopes that the quality of submissions may improve in 5779:
- At the end of your piece, do not include a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls. If your apology statement ends with a pastry recipe, please expect an automatic rejection.
- In your statement, refrain from discussing how wonderful your career has been up to this point. Using your statement to highlight your “achievements” is frowned upon by this Committee, and in most cases will disqualify you from publication.
- After you submit, do not simply wait a few months and then try to return to your job. Our guidelines clearly state that you’re expected to send us a work sample following up on your initial piece which shows that you’re practicing teshuvah (that’s repentance). We have yet to receive these materials from a single one of you.
- To elaborate with an example on the last point: if you are a comedian and submitted an apology for sexual misconduct, don’t disappear for nine months then return to the comedy stage with jokes about rape whistles. Also, don’t return to the comedy stage.
- If your statement includes the phrase (or a phrase similar to): “Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed”: your submission shouldn't be about how you feel, and this sort of self-satisfied caveat clearly does not conform to acceptable apology formatting standards.
- If you think you can pander to us by saying that you’re planning Wayne LaPierre’s retirement party at the venue where you had your Bar Mitzvah, you are sorely mistaken. Also: sending us such a poorly written piece a mere week after the previous year’s Yom Kippur certainly won’t get you considered for a timely submission!
- Please proofread your statement before submitting! Have you included the word “sorry” or said, “I apologize” in your statement? If you have not, you’ve failed to meet our basic criteria for submission.
- If you have submitted your apology to The Angels Committee but have not apologized to the people you’ve hurt, you have failed to follow our submission guidelines. As we have made abundantly clear for literally thousands of years, you must admit (A.K.A., not falsely deny) your wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness from your fellow humans in order to be considered for publication (that includes you, Brett).
Remember: the submission window closes at sundown! As we have outlined in our yearly newsletter for multiple millennia, merely fasting today will not help your chances of publication if you have not adequately apologized. We’re sorry (see? It’s not so hard to say!) to see so many souls rejected from the new year’s Book of Life, but we hope this feedback will improve the quality of submissions for our 5780th Edition! Because if it doesn’t…there’s basically no hope for mankind, and then we’re gonna have to have a whole other Noah’s Ark-type situation, and really, who wants to do all that paperwork?
Anyway, Shana Tovah! Best of luck; please do better next year!
The Angels Committee for Apology Review