Hey VeganBeauty1998 subscribers! Welcome back to my channel! Today, I’m coming at you with an update on my yoga journey. I’m happy to say that after starting yoga lessons at this little studio in LA, I no longer fantasize about becoming a worm and nesting inside Jeff’s ear.

In today’s age of social media and Photoshop, women are constantly bombarded with unrealistic beauty standards. Luckily, doing yoga has made me more comfortable and in tune with my inferior human vessel instead of obsessively trying to attain the perfect worm body for firmly wiggling into Jeff’s ear.

Ladies, yoga is literally such a great workout for your body and mind, especially if you’re like me and have trouble fending off thoughts of releasing batches of larvae into the warm, moist tunnels of Jeff’s ear. Leave me a comment if you've ever wanted to fill Jeff’s ear with your writhing and screaming young!

Okay, just ten more secretions—oops, I meant sets, because I am a young lady who loves yoga and for sure does not want to become a worm!

Yoga has helped me stay mindful, and now I am only in a constant state of shame, fear, and confusion, like, all the time. It’s important to stay positive, especially when you’re incessantly tortured by visions of secreting mucus from your dorsal pores into Jeff’s ear canal.

Remember, VeganBeauty1998 Nation: never stop smiling—even when your crippling loneliness consumes you and your mind twists your insatiable need for intimacy into violent, intrusive reveries about becoming a fleshy invertebrate and lodging yourself deep into the ear of a man named Jeff.

I know what you guys must be thinking: are yoga lessons affordable? To be honest, they can be expensive, but the price is definitely worth it if you struggle with yearnings of morphing into a worm and infesting the dark orifice of my unassuming host, Jeff. For 10% off your next yoga lesson, use my easy-to-remember coupon code, lumbricus terrestris.

Anyways VeganBeauty1998 fans, here are some of my favorite yoga moves that you can try at home as a quick-fix for those pesky fantasies of segmenting your hermaphroditic, five-hearted worm vessel in half and slithering into Jeff’s other ear so as to occupy the most surface area of his nervous system.

To start off our first move, reach over and touch your toes and focus on how much cooler toes are than the smooth, limbless figure of a worm. As your heart rate slowly goes up, try not to think about what it would be like to live as a worm, blind and deaf to the world around you, with nothing but the warmth of Jeff’s internal body temperature to make you feel something for once in your goddamn life.

Okay, just ten more secretions—oops, I meant sets, because I am a young lady who loves yoga and for sure does not want to become a worm!

As we transition into downward dog, close your eyes and manifest all of your positive energy into completing the move—and do your best to ignore the projections of pink tubular parasites disappearing into the dark cavern of what is unmistakably Jeff’s ear playing over and over again behind your eyelids.

Concentrate on my aura-cleansing music and raise your head up to the sky like a worm—glorious, vulnerable, nerve-endings trembling—instinctively following the airborne vibrations of Jeff’s morning Spotify playlist and protruding from his ear tunnel like a phoenix surfacing from the ashes.

Phew, I’m exhausted and definitely not thinking about worms, Jeff, or any combination of those two things! Ladies, feel free to pause this video in-between moves to take a sip of water or kombucha or whatever you’re drinking, not unlike a worm slurping up the decaying organic matter festering in Jeff’s earhole with its mighty maw.

The next move is Jeff’s ear Jeff’s ear Jeff’s ear worm worm worm in Jeff’s ear worm in Jeff’s ear in Jeff’s ear worm nest nest nest nest in Jeff’s ear—um, wow, sorry about that VeganBeauty1998 viewers!

Remember to subscribe, smash that like button, and leave me a comment letting me know if you have ever tried doing yoga to rid yourself of haunting fantasies of becoming a worm and nesting inside Jeff’s ear.

Since yoga isn't doing it, I'm hoping that a juice cleanse or cutting out gluten will finally release me from this sick spectacle of horror.