For college students, logging on to Facebook multiple times a day has become a natural instinct, almost as routine as taking shots of cheap alcohol or waking up in strange places. We type in our passwords, desperately hoping that a red notification will lift our moods. Maybe today will be the day the cute guy who sits behind me in biology will proclaim his love through a Facebook poke. Most of the time, though, we're just bombarded with an array of useless statuses. Oh, it's finally Spring? Your Cinderella team is still winning? You hate midterms? Thank you for your completely informative clarifications, “friends.” I really haven't had the chance to look outside my window or find out the score of the big upset. And until now I assumed you loved studying for 3-hour exams.

It's bad enough that you like all of your nieces and nephews' statuses and comment on their party pictures…now you're taking sex quizzes!? But even worse than these pointless updates is when your news feed is clogged with results of ridiculous quizzes. (Note to FB users, if you're really using Facebook to determine how many kids you should have and what to name them, then you're probably less ready to be a parent than that psycho Amber chick from Teen Mom.) Furthermore, to procreate means you actually have to find someone to sleep with you, and judging by your recent activity as a frequent quiz-taker, I doubt you can fit dating into your busy schedule, especially when your Saturday nights are occupied by the search to find out “What's Your Sexual Style.” Let's be serious, the fact that you're actually taking these quizzes proves that your sexual style is nonexistent. Get off Facebook and get a hobby. Or better yet, take the quiz below to determine exactly how annoying you really are.

Which “Annoyingly Inappropriate Facebook Quiz-Taker” are You?

1. If you were an animal you would be?

  1. Cougar – you're too old to be on a social networking site.
  2. Tadpole – you're a youngin' who still wears braces.
  3. Snake – you're slimy, skeezy, and sketchy.
  4. Fish – you're also slimy…and you prey on tadpoles.

2. To you, 69 is…

  1. The year you reached your sexual peak. Damn that was a good summer.
  2. The number of Silly Bandz you wear on your wrist.
  3. Impossible for you, because it requires a partner.
  4. The age you'll be when you stop hitting on teenage girls. Wait no, you'll still be hitting on them.

3. Your theme song is?

  1. “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon & Garfunkel
  2. “I'm Just a Kid” by Simple Plan
  3. “Ridin' Solo” by Jason Derulo
  4. Anything by R.Kelly

4. Your favorite movie is?

  1. American Pie – because you're a less hot version of Stiffler's mom…if only you could find someone to be your Finch.
  2. The Hannah Montana Movie – Miley is your idol.
  3. Does porn count?
  4. Anything with Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen pre-puberty – damn those girls were hot when they were young.

Now for the results.

Dolphin taking a quiz on a laptopIf you answered mostly A's you are “The Crazy Postmenopausal Aunt.”

It's bad enough that you like all of your nieces and nephews' statuses and comment on their party pictures…now you're taking sex quizzes!? Between your bad hip and your husband's impotence, answering questions to this quiz is a complete waste of time. Face it Aunty, the closest thing you'll get to reverse cowgirl is rewinding an old John Wayne movie.

If you answered mostly B's you are “The 13-Year-Old Cousin.”

First off, you're too young to even have a Facebook account. Please stop taking these damn sex quizzes, and stop trading your Silly Bandz for sexual favors! A bracelet shaped like a giraffe is not worth having to give the mouth-breathing trumpet player an over-the-pants handy in the backseat of the school bus. There will be plenty of time for awkward sexual encounters in college…trust me. Get off Facebook and proceed to have PG fantasies of the Jonas Brothers.

If you answered mostly C's you are “The Online Creep.”

Your 500 “friends” consist solely of attractive females you've never met before. You probably don't have a single true profile picture of yourself, but instead hide behind images of cartoon characters or cars. Since you can't get a real girl to talk to you, you spend a lot of time with your right hand, taking online quizzes and attempting to please yourself…and no, that's not what Jason Derulo meant when he sang “Ridin' Solo.”

If you answered mostly D's you are “The Teacher Who Friends His Female Students.”

Maybe you're attracted to high school girls, or maybe you just want to be the “cool teacher.” Either way, please don't ever post results to a sexual quiz again unless you want to be fired from your job or promoted to online creep status. And since when did virtually friending only your female students become acceptable…. Isn't that kind of sexist?