Friends, enemies, people I haven't had the pleasure or displeasure of even meeting yet. Let me tell you about a man who is coming to town. Oh, he's no stranger, he's been here before—not this town specifically—but he was on Earth for a time, and now he's finally returning to take out the trash…. Big time.

Anyone wanna take a guess at who I'm talking about here? Only our Lord and Savior, that's who!

When you initially see our Lord, you may not recognize him at first, so let me describe him to you so that when you do see him you'll think, “Oh, it's that guy.”

You will know him from his hair, which will be gold. Not the color or metaphorically gold in any way though. He'll have actual gold for hair. It's not clear whether it will be thin gold woven into individual strands or just one solid gold hairpiece that fits on his head like a helmet or crown. Or maybe he can keep growing it longer and cutting it and then giving those clippings to the poor (I'm pretty poor), but what am I saying? Our Lord cares not for wealth! He would just cut it enough to use in the day to day. Like to buy bread and milk.

His foot will be a size 22 US, like Shaq’s. But, unlike Shaq, he won't have a Superman tattoo, though he may as well have one considering how powerful he is, praise be. I'd like to see Superman try to beat him up. Seriously, I'd love to see Superman's smug face when he tries to square off with our lord and quickly gets his ass dispatched then handed to him mercilessly. Old Testament style.

Our Lord has no weaknesses to speak of. I mean sure, he can be murdered, but only if he wants to. He walked straight into that one murder, but that was for all of us, so you'd have to be pretty petty to count that against him.

Our Lord will also have these sort of things coming out of the top of his head… how to describe them?… I wanna say horns, but they could be antlers too. Big pointy bones? You get the gist.

Oh, speaking of pointy: I have to bring up his teeth. They're razor-sharp, and sort of look like a monster's, but despite all that, he has a winning smile and takes a great photo.

He will also be wearing really stylish clothing when he comes back. Everyone thinks that our Lord wore tattered rags and robes and ancient-day-Crocs because he liked them, but that's actually just what was fashionable back then, believe it or not. It may seem weird to us, but they just really liked basic, scratchy sort of cloth draped over them and secured with a rope. It's not something I would choose to wear, but I can see the appeal. I've often been envious of the slovenly-look of Franciscan monks.

His eyes are worth a mention. They're big and round with little pin-prick pupils. The other parts of his eyes are pure milk-white and take up most of the rest of his face. So, on the whole, they're really perfect eyes! Vision's 20/20 or better (I don't know how the eyes number system works, and I sure don't want to put my foot in it and say something that equates to “our Lord needs big thick nerd glasses” or something). Oh, and his eyes can shoot anything out of them. Lasers, mustard, even hot sauce. Like, the hottest, that ghost chili stuff. Imagine it! Shooting hot sauce out of your eyes! Youch! But he doesn't feel a thing. His eyes are honestly that good.

The legs and arms are pretty admirable. He looks like a Greek statue, only more slim and less toned but just as provocatively dressed. He looks after himself, but isn't narcissistic, which is insane considering who the hell he is. I only use the H-word because there's no other word to use that would accurately portray my utter adoration of this man. I guess you could say I worship him, in a way.

Lastly, he's just an all-round great guy. Handsome, noble, a real sport! The type of guy who, if you met him at a party where you knew no one, you'd say, ‘Thank God for him!' And the funny thing is, he'd say, “You're welcome.” Because he's polite too.