Chamomile Tea: You are a retired mother of three. You scold your grown children for cursing but you say “dammit” and “ah, shit” under your breath when you make a crocheting mistake.
Scotch: You are a lawyer and you’ve been to 13% of your son’s baseball games.
Coca-Cola: You like to jokingly bring up the fact that Coke was once produced with cocaine. Then you joke about how you’re addicted and tell yourself you could totally quit drinking Coke at any time. You cannot.
Whole Milk: You are a cat person and have entertained the idea of surgically implanting retractable claws into your fingers.
Pineapple Juice: You heard that pineapple juice is good for the flavor of your semen. You don’t have a girlfriend but this is just in case Amanda from accounting wants to have a quickie in the stairwell. You live in a sexist sexual fantasy world.
Smart Water: You are health conscious and very insecure about your mental capabilities. You graduated college with a 3.6 but you tell everyone you had a 3.85. Ironically, everyone thinks you’re dumber for buying Smart Water.
Almond Milk: You says phrases like, “I can barely tell the difference between this and regular milk.” And, “It basically has the same consistency as regular milk.” You are a liar and everyone knows it.
Coffee: You stay up until 2 AM every night binging Netflix shows. You require coffee to function at the minimum standard required to be categorized as a “conscious human.”
Starbuck’s Double Espresso: You get visibly enraged when Cheryl, your coworker, dumps three packets of sugar and a ¼ cup of Snickerdoodle creamer in her morning coffee.
Honey: You are 124 bees in a human costume. And I’ve seen flashes of you in a fever dream before.
Kombucha: You’re a trend follower. You can list the ingredients in kombucha but you have no idea what they are. You pretend to like kombucha but you long for a regular sweet tea.
Warm Milk: You have trouble falling asleep and you’ve heard horror stories about people sleep driving and sleep killing loved ones while on Ambien. You are either five or sixty-five.
Red Bull: You need an energy kick and you think coffee is for old people. You subscribe to Red Bull’s extreme skateboarding YouTube channel and it's the closest you’ve come to physical activity in the past 3 years.
Chai Tea Latte: You’re not a huge tea or coffee latte fan but you still want to look cool by holding a Starbuck’s cup.
Capri-Sun: You are a millennial and you buy them “as a goof.” You were kind of popular in middle school and the flavor reminds you of the time when you dated a cheerleader for 3 days.
Bud Light Lime: You mix Sprite with beer and you were elated when Bud Light released this horse piss drink. You claim that it’s “a perfect summer beer,” but you drink it year round. All of your friends talk shit about you behind your back.
Pisco Sour: You studied abroad in South America and you pray someone doesn’t know what a pisco sour is so you can tell them your stories from “the best year of my life” when they ask.
Wheat Grass: You are health conscious and you enjoy taste bud masochism.
Snapple: You justify overpaying for drinks by explaining that “this beverage comes with a little extra knowledge.” 17% of the people you say this to fantasize about punching you in the face.
Water: You think you’re superior to anyone that chooses a drink besides water. But really, you live a boring, safe life and you make up for it by mocking other’s choices and craving validation via comedy articles.