If you are a trust-fund kid, a reality TV star, a once-famous celebrity pathetically clinging to the rapidly dimming glow of the spotlight, or anyone with access to absurd amounts of wealth that you haven’t earned, you are cordially invited to the grand opening of Café Douchebag, the latest eatery/place to be seen that openly panders to the douchebag lifestyle.
The douchebaggery begins the moment you steer your limited edition import into our first-class auto receiving area. There you will be greeted by a collection of sycophantic valets, each of whom has been trained to accept your condescending tone and verbal abuse with a stiff upper lip, a straight spine, and the dull, lifeless eyes of someone whose dignity and humanity have been doused in gasoline, set aflame, and buried in a shallow grave — just the way you like them!
Also, since literally all of our valets are of foreign descent, feel free to mock their heritage and torment them with the ludicrously idle threat of deportation. They won’t mind a bit, and, even if they do, you’re much too important to care.
You’ll be glad to know that all of our fish, poultry, and cattle products are mercilessly tortured before being slaughtered, processed, and prepared by our world-renowned chefs.
Next, you’ll be escorted all the way to the front of a long line (ahead of a teeming mass of wannabe douchebags), where a steroid freak with an earpiece and a clipboard (likely someone with misguided dreams of cage fighting stardom) will usher you into our lobby. But don’t worry, his massive physique and booming voice will ensure that everyone close by will know with complete certainty that you are indeed “on the list.”
Once inside, a plastic-bosomed mannequin-woman behind a translucent podium will flash an insincere smile and make absolutely no attempt at small talk as she confirms your reservation by melodramatically swiping at a state-of-the-art tablet screen with a bejeweled index finder. Then you’re off to the Lobby Lounge to be pampered while preparations for your dining experience are finalized.
Sit back and relax on one of our reclining velvet couches. Enjoy one of our fabulous Café Douchebag blended cocktails — a mouth-watering concoction of exotic fruit juices, tequila, the tears of orphans, and a mix of adrenal fluids extracted from nine of the world’s most endangered animals. The Lobby Lounge is also happy to provide the most recent issue of Modern Douchebag Magazine, featuring must-read articles such as “Groundbreaking Methods in Facial Hair Styling” and “The Hottest New Baseball Caps to Wear Backwards While Working Out.”
If you’re a widow or widower, you might want to make time for a visit to the Gold Diggers’ Room, where people who have recently gained financially from the death of a much, much older spouse can enjoy a cocktail in the company of their peers without being judged by society.
Should you feel the need to answer nature’s call, Café Douchebag has you covered. Upon entering one of our guests-only lavatories, a tuxedoed restroom attendant who has been instructed not to make eye contact will present you with a gift bag containing gourmet breath mints, a hand mirror, and a pack of razor blades.
For your convenience, each stall has been customized with a retractable shelf — perfect for snorting your powdered narcotic of choice through a rolled-up one hundred-dollar bill. And, for those guests who prefer to ride the dragon intravenously, Café Douchebag also provides a complimentary two-foot length of surgical tubing (it will be duct-taped to the underside of the hand-crafted Malaysian trash receptacle).
When things take the inevitable turn toward the amorous, rest assured that the percussive marble floor and tiled walls (engineered by acoustic experts from the Bose Corporation) will amplify the sounds of your sloppy, drug-addled toilet sex, guaranteeing that your copulatory moans and grunts will be heard by every single lavatory guest with absolute clarity.
Then it’s off to dinner.
Don’t forget to bring to your appetite. Our menu is a veritable treasure trove of douchebag delicacies and delights. You’ll be glad to know that all of our fish, poultry, and cattle products are mercilessly tortured before being slaughtered, processed, and prepared by our world-renowned chefs. It all starts on our grazing farm, where every animal is — literally — pumped full of steroids and antibiotics while simultaneously suffering the day-to-day rigors of treatment so cruel and inhumane only a true douchebag could appreciate it. For example, each calf selected for veal production is slowly dismembered, one limb at a time, while being kept alive (to inflict as much suffering as possible, ensuring maximum meat tenderization) by repeating a barbaric ritual of tourniquet application and wound cauterization. And all of this happens right in front of the calf’s mother, who, after having her eyelids removed, is placed in a mechanical restraint and forced to watch… before she, too, is slowly dismembered and processed for your dining pleasure.
Of course, there is also a glutton-free menu option and a bottomless ketchup bucket.
After dinner, treat yourself with a trip to our cigar bar. Have a stogie and a $35 beer. Enjoy the expansive views of our topless grotto, where fading porn stars and failed actresses with daddy issues lifelessly swat at pastel-colored beach balls between bouts of violent sobbing. Or, if you’re the betting type, you can spend the evening wagering on a series of to-the-death chainsaw fights, brought to you via the magic of closed-circuit television, broadcasting live from a cage erected in a Guatemalan drug lord’s hostage pen.
So, whether you’re a recently initiated douchebag (who loves to taunt homeless people and prefers to wear shirts completely unbuttoned) or a seasoned veteran (who incessantly chews on toothpicks and refers to attractive young women as “hotties”), there’s something for you at Café Douchebag. We’ll see ya there!
Directions: Café Douchebag is located in the heart of the Douchebag District, on the ground floor of the Trump Building, between Chet’s Tattoo Hangout and Teaser’s Mud Wrestling Lagoon.
Valet parking: $250/hour
Dress code: Whatever the fashion magazines tell you is cool.
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