Douchebagism has become a cultural epidemic, a trend of compulsive individualism, spawned out of the self-entitled, everyone-gets-a-trophy generation and propagated by its own ill-bred perception of who deserves celebrity status. It is a cancer that has metastasized throughout the social fabric, infecting the masses with narcissism, bequeathing ordinary people with unwarranted delusions of their rankings in the social hierarchy, and we must seek out to classify and destroy it.
1. People who blatantly jaywalk through a busy intersection when it clearly says "Don't Walk" and subsequently force law-abiding drivers to abruptly stop at a green light while they shilly-shally their self-entitled ass across the road, 75 feet from the crosswalk.
Douchebags often have the audacity to think that calling someone else a "douchebag" negates their own douchbaggedness.They are so concerned with how much more important they are than everyone else on the road that they do it without so much as a head nod or a wave or even a faint mime of the words, "thank you." A good point for these ill-mannered pedestrian douchebags to learn is that moreover people tend remember the times you didn't say thank you. If you have a green light, hit them.
2. The guy who is unjustly obsessed with his "dope ride."
While on the road this strain of douche is committed to fervently staring at every single person he can as he cruises by, whether it's a pedestrian or a passenger in another car, with the intent of confirming that they are in fact checking out his car, in effect validating his own misguided sense of accomplishment. This is not the guy with the actual high-class automobile, but the one who pitifully tries to make his Chrysler 300 look like a Bentley by replacing the front grill and removing the emblem. Here's a tip: they absolutely hate it when you seem as if you don't notice them at all.
3. Fat dudes who wear Tapout shirts.
These sons of bitches think they can skip exercise and diet and just cruise right into the social gamut as MMA fighters. You're not fooling anyone, lardass. Yes, your arms are big, but it's because they're filled with arm fat, not muscle, and no one wants to hear your onslaught of lame remarks, you Kevin James-wannabe motherfucker. These are the guys who go the gym once every three months and look in the mirror while their muscles are still temporarily puffed up and say to themselves, "Yeah, that's good enough." If you see one, just ask how their training is going.
4. Guys who only go to the gym on Mondays, to do chest.
Akin to number two but a bit more ignorant to their own contrived sensibilities, these guys foolishly waste their not-really-hard-earned money on gym memberships. When they do show up they like to ask the real body builders, "Hey man, what are you taking?" As if buying a certain tub of creatine will automatically give you those guns you wanted. They should be more concerned with what NOT to take. It's called diet and hard work, fuckface, and that doesn't mean light beer and only hard liquor on the weekends.
5. People who refer to other adults in the third person as "the kid" or "kid."
For example, they are known to make comments like "yeah, bro, he's a good kid" or "I really like the kid"….kill yourselves.
6. Douchebags who call other people douchebags.
The problem with this hypocrisy is that it is promoted by celebrity douchebags (like Jersey Shore). So when the head celebrity douchebags use the term against others, it influences all the other subordinate douchebags to emulate them and think it's OK. Douchebags often have the audacity to think that calling someone else a "douchebag" negates their own douchbaggedness. In this case, it doesn't take one to know one.
7. Ordinary people who use social media to dramatically affront all their "haters."
In reality, these outbursts are just pathetic attempts at promoting self-glory, demonstrating passive-aggressiveness at its worst. The intended message is normally two-fold, first as a means to publically demonstrate their elevated social status as someone who is "hated on," and second to convey their dignified ability to overcome all that "hating." The whole concept of "hating on someone" is based on the notion of a person being jealous of another person's success, so if you haven't done anything extraordinary or successful with your life, then you don't have anything for others to be jealous of. In other words, people don't "hate" on you, they just don't give a shit about you.
The irony is that people end up literally hating these people after getting tired of reading their bullshit rants about "haters" and "fake people." Calling out all the "haters" is merely a way for douchebags to show displeasure with the amount of people who genuinely like them. Inform them that you genuinely hate them.
8. Every girl (or dude I guess, eew) who poses for social media pictures while making that stupid, slutty, puckered-lip, cry-for-attention kissy face (many times while doing the sideways peace sign)…and then waits for the comments to come rolling in.
These insecure slampigs are just baiting the desperate guys on their friends list to grant them a disingenuous compliment. Whatever you do, do NOT hit the "like" button.
9. The one-upper.
No matter what you did in life, they have a story about themselves that tops it. "I have tickets to the game on Sunday." "Oh yeah, well my friend's cousin has season tickets and we have a huge tailgate party every game and we went to the Super Bowl last year, but I can't make it this Sunday because I'll be busy hittin' the bench press in my garage and working on my ‘97 Mitsubishi Eclipse."
10. Everyone under 23 years old.
Fuck you. You don't know shit. Shut the fuck up and listen to those who made the same mistakes you're about to make.