My Organs and I live, work, and play in the Republic of Korea (the ROK). Contrary to popular belief, Asians can party. Especially Koreans. However, they all suck at basketball.

(KC is in a hof, a Korean bar)

KC (aloud): Kombay! (Cheers in Korean)

MOUTH: What the fuck was that? Eyes! You've got to check that shit before I drink it.

EYES: I think it was paint thinner mixed with some white wine. I'm not totally sure though, because I'm watering.

FEET: The shoes here are just like Korean condoms. Not quite long enough, not quite wide enough.
JUNK: Wait, we've put on a condom? I don't remember getting laid.
BRAIN: It's called soju you retards. And it's Korea's national drink. And pastime.

JUNK: So where's all this hot Korean cooz, ya reckon?

BRAIN: Well, the fact is, we can't speak, read, or understand Korean, except for "karaoke," "thank you," "hello," "old man," and "motherfucker."

JUNK: So once again, me not getting laid is YOUR fault!

KC: Look dudes. This is a different culture. It's not going to be like the USA. Or Mexico. Or Canada.

GUT: I think the live octopus we just ate is fighting with the soju. And the beer. And whatever the fuck else you drank.

KC: You know, I'm not going to lie. I just wanted to say this to somebody, and since nobody else can speak English, I'm just going to say it to you guys. My self-esteem has kind of taken a hit lately.

BRAIN: How so?

KC: First, I didn't learn a second language until I was 14. My kids started learning English about five minutes after they started walking.

HANDS: Ah dude, we're good at stuff. Like video games.

KC: But not like the Koreans, who play professional video games.

HANDS: That's the damn truth.

BRAIN: We're pretty smart though. We know stuff.

KC: Yesterday a Korean sixth grader explained how a motherboard worked. In her second language. I can't even do that in my first language. I can barely turn a computer on.

MOUTH: You can drink booze pretty well.

KC: Not like every Korean in the world though.

GUT: That's true. I kind of want to barf. I can't even tell if these little Korean dudes are wasted or not.

BRAIN: What really has you down, buddy?

KC: I mean, I know I'm kind of monkey looking. I've got huge googly eyes.

EYES: I'm going to take that as a compliment.

KC: I mean, I know I'm in a foreign country and all. And I'm the foreigner. I didn't think I'd be getting stared at constantly.

JUNK: I know exactly what you're talking about.

KC: I guess I didn't think things were going to be so different. Like, fucking whiskey is so hard to find. It's like, really expensive when you do find it. And—

GUT: What's the deal with the fucking Chinese food??? I mean, we're in Asia, right? Where the fuck is the General Tso's Chicken? Kung Pao stuff? Egg rolls? I'm fucking starving here. If you give me more fucking tofu, I'm going to end up eating a fucking student.

KC: That's China, dude.

Wrong Turn 2 movie on DVD coverEYES: And the TV, I mean, I appreciate the fact they show American movies and shit, but who the fuck wants to watch Wrong Turn 2? Seriously? But it's always fucking on TV! I guess Korea is where shitty movies go to be popular.

BRAIN: Once we learn how to speak Korean, I think things will get better.

EYES: I really don't know how much I want to understand that show about old guys eating stuff.

KC: I think there's a show like Cash Cab, but "Karaoke Cab." That seems pretty cool.

JUNK: I swear to fucking hell. You've got to stop watching Sex in the City. Every time you watch an episode, you and I both start transforming into a pussy.

EARS: Those cicada bug things are loud.

FEET: And the shoes. They're just like Korean condoms. Not quite long enough, not quite wide enough. These tiny shoes are killing me.

JUNK: Wait, we've put on a condom? I don't remember getting laid.

FEET: We haven't, just making an assumption.

BRAIN: Well, what do you like?

GUT: The food gets to be pretty good.

MEKANECK: The humidity is <ßKZZ-ERT>> constant, which provides a consistent lubrication for <<BEE-NOOT>> robotic anatomy.

OLD CLICKY: Speak for yourself, Sonny. I'm fucking dying of pain here.

JUNK: The chicks are hot, we just need this dipshit BRAIN to start learning the local language. So I can start speaking the international language of luvvin'. And bangin'. And doggystyle.

BRAIN: It's so hard though!

EYES: See, look. Everybody in the bar is looking at us again!

KC: You see. It's like they've never seen a white person before.

EARS: And some Korean dude just bowed and said some shit I don't understand.

MOUTH: "Uh, thank you." Wait. "Um, kam-sah-mee-dah."

KC: Being a foreigner is weird. It's like always being the new kid in class.

BRAIN: Or a New Kid on the Block!

JUNK: I don't care how lonely I get, I'm not fucking dudes like the New Kids.

EARS: And the music. Who knew crappy hip-hop would be so popular in Korea? I was thinking, like, anime soundtracks and shit. I don't know what's worse.

JUNK: I know one thing that will make you happy.

KC: What's that?

JUNK: The vein in your dick is bigger than most Koreans' wangs.

KC: You know…

Taking shots in KoreaEYES: What do you think all these people are staring at now?

KC: I don't know. My shitty dance skills. The fact that I'm the only person not dancing or talking with chicks. Maybe they think my Mr. T t-shirt is really cool. Or maybe there's like, a circus midget juggling fire-covered chainsaws behind us?

EYES: Nope, they're staring at me.

KC: Judas Priest. I feel like such a freak.

JUNK: That makes two of us, just not in the same way.

EARS: Huh, this musical beat sounds familiar.

EYES: I mean, what the fuck? Now they're glaring at me. Like they want me to do a trick or something.

EARS: I'm telling you guys, this song sounds really familiar. I just can't place it.

KC: I'm like a pink gorilla with a buzzcut. Woe is me.

JUNK: One year and no tang is going to suck.

EARS: Dudes!

GUT: Maybe our mom can FedEx us some cool food.

EARS: Dudes, I'm serious! I know why we're getting stared at! MOUTH, you gotta work with me on it.

MOUTH: Ah shit, son. I know what's happening. Let me hawk this loogie real quick.

KC: What are you two idiots getting at? I know I'll never be cool and all. Let's just give up.

EARS: Shut the fuck up! FEET, start doing that Parkinson's shake thing you consider dancing!

FEET: On it.

EARS: Hands, make circles and shit!

KC: I mean, I miss my friends, being able to go to a grocery store and find shit…

EARS: Shut up. Okay. Everyone. Look cool for a second.

BRAIN: That's usually my job, EARS. You mind telling us what's going on?

EARS: No time. We're just going to have to flow. It's coming up, MOUTH, you ready?

MOUTH: Shit yeah. I'm about to spit some shit that will rock the shit out of the ROK. Soul up, Seoul.

BRAIN: Oh shit. The constant drinking and Sarah Jessica Parker have turned us into a reject.

MOUTH: Uh, I'm about to make it happen.

KC: What the hell is happening? Why are we about to sing and dance?

EYES: Why are we trying to get people to stare at us even more. They even have camera phones out.

FEET: I'm going to do that spin around thing.

EARS: We're about to claim our birthright of coolness. MOUTH, GO!

MOUTH (Out loud. Singing, kind of. Rapping, sort of): "All right. Stop."

KC: Yeah, I'm embarrassed enough already, please do STOP.

MOUTH: "Collaborate and listen.
Ice is back with a brand new invention.
Something, grabs a hold of me tightly.
Flow like a something daily or nightly."

KC: Holy shit, I've never been photographed so much. Except that one time…

KC on the dance floor in Korea with friendsEYES: All the Koreans are smiling and clapping. And not because we look like the village idiot.

JUNK: That chick wearing latex just smiled at us. I'm getting hard.

HANDS: People are shoving shots into me!!!

MOUTH: Me too!

BRAIN: Judas Priest! They don't think we're a freak! They think we're the coolest person ever!

KC: Even cooler than Vanilla Ice!!!

BRAIN: I didn't think that was even possible.

JUNK: There's another chick rubbing her ass on me!

HANDS: Me too!

KC: This is so awesome!!!

EYES: That chick is waving something at me!

JUNK: Please tell me it's a thong!

EYES: It is! But another one is holding a hotel key card!

BRAIN: I just want to warn you, Korean girls aren't necessarily as forward as—

MOUTH: There are lips on me!

JUNK: Me too!

KC: I hope I don't get deported for this.

JUNK: Me too!

KC: Being a foreigner is awesome.


More in the "My Organs and I" series:
My Organs and I Go on a First Date
My Organs and I Wake Up
My Organs and I Go to Work
My Organs and I Go to a Game
My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl)
My Organs and I Detox
My Organs and I Go to Work (At a Bar)
My Organs and I Turn 30
My Organs and I Drive to Denver
My Organs and I Snowboard
My Organs and I Sleep
My Organs and I Go on a Job Interview
My Organs and I Go to Vegas
My Organs and I Party in the ROK
My Organs and I Watch Korean TV
My Organs and I Stay at Home
My Organs and I Go to High School
My Organs and I Write an “Organs and I” Column
My Organs and I Get Laid in the Shower
My Organs and I Go on a Bender