EYES: This email says, “You should write for PIC again.”
BRAIN: People seriously have no taste.
KC: You know, that’s not really a bad idea.
BRAIN: Well, you’re not really writing anything else worth a crap, so let’s check out some of the new kids on the site.
EYES: I see there are a lot of new kids on here. I wonder if anybody I know still works here. Here’s a story about bongs. Even though I got all crossed and bloodshot when we smoked, bongs were cool. They looked cool too.
HANDS: We never really got that joint-rolling technique down. That’s what friends are for though.
JUNK: Can we please just download some more porn torrents? I’m booooooored.
KC: Yeah, that article's not doing shit for me.
JUNK: Seriously, no. I'm not one of those dicks that finds food sexy. Sex is sexy.
KC: I think we’ve got to see what our competition is.
BRAIN: Yeah, because there’s so much competition when you're writing for free.
JUNK: I don’t want to think about another dude’s dick, unless it’s porn-related. But I really don’t want to think about it too hard. Uh, too much.
MEKANECK: This angle we’re —kzzreich—is unfortunate –nart—uncomfortable for reading.
EYES: Holy shit, this article is like a life story.
KC: Yeah, screw it. Let’s see what else. Hmm. Here's a Hipster guy. Now a Douche. Another Douche. Something about sports. And yet another Douche.
JUNK: Remember that chick that wrote for the site? She was effing hot.
KC: Yeah she was.
JUNK: Yeah she was.
KC: We actually met her. Is she still writing?
EYES: I don't see her.
JUNK: We have a photo of her. Good enough for me.
KC: Can you shut the fuck up? For just a second? I’m trying to think about good ideas.
JUNK: Swearing a lot always seemed to work. And maybe the subliminal messages about talking about dicks and fucking will help us…
BRAIN: How about that shitty Disney/Pixar abortion Inside Out? That was pretty much an unfunnier version of this column.
HEART: If we just believe in ourselves, the art of writing will come.
NOSE: Seriously, stop talking like that or I’ll find a snowcone of cocaine and do as much as it takes to make you explode.
STOMACH: And I’ll eat all the bacon and fried garbage food Korea has to offer so when you explode it will be like, I don’t know, when you don’t use your Head & Shoulders Shampoo for five months and then use it and then it, you know, explodes. But yours will be bigger.
KC: Ah shit. We’re never going to be able to complete with these kids and their Twitter and Instagram and Snapchats and short attention spans and…
JUNK: Fuck it. Porn always loves us.
KC: Yeah, fuck writing. Let's go get drunk and rub one out.