Your order of:
- J&D's Bacon Condoms 3-Pack
- The Original Infant Circumcision Trainer
- Poop-Stain Ha-Ha Halloween Pants
- The Lonely Guy’s© Arm-Snuggle Companion Pillow!
- Emergency Underpants Dispenser
- Oreos (Twelve-Pack) Combination-Lock Protector
- Wolf Urine Deer-Repellent Spray
- Trump/Hillary Toilet Paper Twin-Pac
- 1,500 Live Lady Bugs
…is on its way.
We hope to see you again soon.
Fri, Oct 7, 8:0l PM: Package left seller facility Shenzhen, China. In transit to carrier.
Fri, Oct 7, 8:46 PM: Package delayed. North Korean GPS malfunctioned. Driver lost.
Fri, Oct 7, 9:27 PM: Transit resumed with Chinese GPS.
Fri, Oct 7, 9:50 PM: Package delayed. Chinese GPS malfunctioned. Driver hired Uber-Shenzhen.
Fri, Oct 7, 10:55 PM: Package delayed. Driver and Uber driver arrested for public indecency at Pearl River Gentleman Club. Replacement driver en route.
Sat, Oct 8, 10:10 PM: In transit. Package departed China Merchants Port. Carrier: COSCO vessel AJI87.
Sat, Oct 15, 3:11 AM: Package delayed. Typhoon Marcos damaged carrier SE coast of Philippines. Poop-Stain Ha-Ha Halloween Pants item distributed to crew after Emergency Underpants Dispenser ran out during storm. Buyer reimbursed for items.
Mon, Oct 17, 5:31 PM: Package delayed. Carrier docked in Mindanao for repairs.
Wed, Oct 19, 3:02 AM: Package delayed. Islamic separatist group Abu Sayyaf kidnapped carrier and crew.
Thu, Oct 20, 11:15 AM: Package delayed. Abu Sayyaf demanded ransom for crew. Plus emergency doctor to treat three members who accidentally fried and ate bacon condoms. Plus rush delivery of three crates of Trump/Hillary Toilet Paper Twin-Pacs as gifts to followers for upcoming Islamic New Year. Buyer reimbursed for items.
Sat, Oct 22, 3:22 AM: Package delayed. Crew subdued guards with Wolf Urine Deer-Repellent Spray and escaped. Whereabouts unknown. Buyer reimbursed for item.
Fri, Oct 28, 4:02 PM: In transit. Jungle villagers rescue starving crew. 1,500 Live Lady Bugs kept them alive. Buyer reimbursed for item.
Wed, Nov 2, 6:17 AM: In transit. Crew rejoined vessel AJI87. Repairs completed. Carrier departed Mindanao.
Sat, Nov 5, 2:31 PM: Package delayed. Carrier radar (Radio Shack) malfunctioned. Whereabouts unknown.
Thur, Nov 17, 5:03 AM: In transit. U.S. Submarine Oyster Toadfish located carrier 77 km SW of Hawaii. Escorted to Oahu.
Mon, Nov 21, 7:14 AM: In transit. Radar repaired. Carrier departed Hawaii.
Tue, Nov 29, 6:56 PM: In transit. Carrier arrived Port of Long Beach, California. Customs officers seized The Original Infant Circumcision Trainer after conferring with local mohel, who advised item was potentially dangerous in the wrong hands, “But I wish I’d had one when I was starting out, as do, regretfully, the Meyer and Kleinman families.” Buyer reimbursed for item.
Wed, Nov 30, 7:30 AM: In transit. Package departed Port of Long Beach. Carrier: UPS.
Wed, Nov 30, 5:45 PM: Package delayed. Amber alert issued for UPS driver after he abducted daughter from Children of the Corn child-care facility in violation of custody agreement.
Thu, Dec 1, 3:11 PM: In transit. After daughter subdued father to steering wheel with Oreos (Twelve-Pack) Combination-Lock Protector, package transferred to replacement driver. Buyer reimbursed for item.
Fri, Dec 2, 10:22 AM: In transit. Package departed Port of Long Beach. Carrier: Union Pacific.
Mon, Dec 5, 9:56 PM: Package delayed. Carrier derailed 5 km SW of Evansville, Kentucky, after conductor, playing Pokémon Go, failed to see twelve members of skydiving club, each of whom had been playing Pokémon Go on the way down and had neglected to pull their ripcords, crash onto truck delivering new Pokémon Gos whose driver, also playing Pokémon Go, crossed tracks without seeing train.
Fri, Dec 9, 4:10 PM: In transit. Package departed Evansville. Carrier: Union Pacific.
Sun, Dec 11, 9:57 PM: Carrier arrived New York.
Wed, Dec 14, 4:14 PM: Congratulations! Your order of The Lonely Guy’s© Arm-Snuggle Companion Pillow! was delivered to 536 East Hampton Road, Weehawken, New Jersey. Enjoy!
Thu, Dec 15, 3:12 PM: Shipment of The Lonely Guy’s© Arm-Snuggle Companion Pillow! returned to sender. Signature: buyer’s wife.