1. Don't casually take her hand and introduce a list of all the STD's you know.
2. Don't send her a teddy bear missing a head. Even if it was on sale.
3. Don't let it casually drop that her mom is still “totally doable,” even if she is. Especially if she is.
4. Don't let it casually drop that her sister is totally doable. Especially if said sister is 12. Albeit an early bloomer.
5. Actually, the same applies for fathers, brothers, and family pets. If it lives with her, it’s pretty much a good idea to refrain from expressing your attraction for it.
6. Don’t show up to a date wearing her friend’s clothing. Just trust me on this one.
7. Don’t introduce the idea of a threesome on a first date. However, if you do, and she sounds intrigued, you may have found “the one.” Or, more accurately, one of the two.
8. If you are out at a fancy restaurant, refrain from sampling from other patrons’ plates, even if you just wanted to see how they would react, and you really only had a little bit, and you used your own fork and everything.
9. Don’t offer to show her your “sweet dildo collection.”
10. Don’t tell her that you’re a critically acclaimed director of snuff films and that you’re always looking for new talent.
11. Don’t lie and say that you wrote the screenplay for Titanic. Girls today are too crafty for that.
12. Don’t initiate a breast size competition with a girl on a first date. You’ll probably lose. And if you don’t, you probably shouldn’t be out with her in the first place.
13. Don’t leave her in the car while you go out to pick up a beverage and watch the director’s cut of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. If you must, proper etiquette dictates that you should at least partially open the window.
14. Don’t dangle your keys in front of her face and talk baby talk to her. It may seem like a good idea, but apparently girls have something against keys.
15. Don’t tell her she could totally make a killing as a hooker. She won’t take it as complimentary as you intend.
16. Don’t watch The Notebook. I mean sure, it might help you get the girl, but even you have to draw the line somewhere.
17. Don’t bring your favorite pornographic films along until at least the third or fourth date. Be especially wary of making unfavorable comparisons.
18. Don’t mention your grandmother during “intimate encounters.” Be especially wary of making unfavorable comparisons.
19. Don’t knock her down just to see what she says. I mean, it will be funny, but eventually she’ll get up.
20. Don’t “pants” her in front her parents. Unless you’re like, totally sure they’re cool.
21. Don’t try those new mesquite barbeque condoms. Sure they’re tasty, but that’s actual barbeque sauce on there, and… mmmmmm…. barbeque. I’m sorry, what were you saying?
22. Don’t douse her with hot soup and say, “Hahahaha, now you’re the soup of the day” in a crowded dining hall.
23. Don’t initiate a swordfight without telling her first.
24. Don’t grade her out loud unless she’s at least a B-.
25. During “intimate encounters,” if you must pull out a stopwatch, try not to let her see it.
26. If engaged in athletic competition, let her win. Unless you’re better than she is.
27. If you’re meeting her parents, it’s common etiquette to wear underwear. Pants, too, if it’s a formal occasion.
28. Try not to talk about sports during “intimate encounters.”
29. Try to avoid the phrase “intimate encounters.”
30. It’s probably not the best idea to take most of your advice from the Facebook profile of anybody whose been suspended for what can only be characterized as sexual harassment.
31. Don’t take her to any movie that features any character who is better looking, smarter, funnier, or a better actor than you are. White Chicks should work nicely if you need to watch a film.
32. Don’t see the movie White Chicks. The book was so much better.
33. When you first meet a girl, it’s probably not a good idea to mention that her sturdy child-bearing hips make her a suitable mate.
34. Don’t pretend to yawn so that you can put your arm around her. That’s totally my move.
35. If you must guess her friends’ weights, try to use standard measurements. These do not include hams, bodily fluids, or bitchiness.
36. Despite how they might sound, telling her she has “love” handles isn’t a good thing. I can’t stress this enough.
37. Don’t use Mike Tyson as a source of relationship inspiration.
38. Kevin Federline is a douchebag.
39. If you must have a name for your penis, “The Statutory Rapist” is not a very good choice. Just trust me on this one.
40. Don’t watch The View. It is very hard to respect any woman after watching The View.
41. Don’t read her diary…aloud…to your friends…at her birthday party. Unless you think it might mention your name at some point.
42. Telling your girlfriend she could be a model: good. Telling your girlfriend that she looks like a vapid, soulless harpy with a desperate need for attention probably stemming from a lack of parental involvement which also manifests itself in heavy usage of recreational drugs and a very obvious eating disorder: not as good.
43. I’m sorry, I can’t explain Sex and the City either. They talk about, um, sex? And shoes? And there’s a guy named Big or something. And there’s apparently a whore, a lesbian, and a woman who bears a strong facial resemblance to Barbaro. That’s all I can tell you.
44. Don’t order the house wine, or in fact any wine younger than you, in a restaurant. What did you, go to Pitzer? Seriously, that’s so gauche.
45. Don’t forget to lick your own plate clean if you ever have dinner at her house. Everybody appreciates a clean houseguest.
46. Don’t tell her about that one “special merit badge” you earned when you were a Boy Scout. Why were you a Boy Scout at 23, anyway?
47. Don’t tell her, in accordance with Megan’s Law, that you are a registered sex offender. That’s the kind of the thing that can wait until you’re married and have kids. Young, supple, kids.
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