Hey, it’s me, the guy you’ve started dating recently. Now that we’ve been an official item for a couple weeks or so, I think it might be time to let you in on my overwhelming amounts of emotional problems.

I know what you’re thinking, the fact that they were mostly absent during our friendship and subsequent courtship period is kind of strange. You might even start to get a little scared after realizing that having the necessary amount of self awareness to hide my psychological issues likely means that I fully recognize them as reoccurring negative behavioral patterns in my life that I don’t fix but instead keep hidden under a thin, bursting sheet of functionality that I quickly whip off with the flair of a flamboyant Las Vegas magician.

Hey, please don’t look at me like that. The fact that I’ve selfishly forced us into saying “I love you” too soon means that these are now our problems, babe. We're a team now. If we just wanted to have fun times and create an atmosphere that encouraged mutual respect and growth between us, we would have just stayed friends.

Who else in this world besides a kind, intelligent, and stylish girlfriend is trained and equipped to deal with the barely sentient, hollow remains of a man who grew up with a cold and distant father?

Wait, are you trying to back out of our fresh relationship? Actually, it sounds like you’re trying to force me to do bad things and blame you for making me do them. Only a man who loves as raw and passionately as I do could ever pull off the emotionally abusive jiu jitsu necessary to use the weight of a partners empathy against them, your girlfriends must be so jealous of us.

I don't want to but I must call you out a bit, baby. Recently you’ve said some oddball things like “you should really look into getting help.” I recognize those words individually, they each have definitions I know, but I have no idea what they mean in that specific sequence. Then you’ll go on and on in a grating gibberish about seeing some person that has expertise and years of experience with helping all sorts of people with problems just like mine. Is this another one of those wacky millennial jobs like “pumpkin spice appraiser” or “freelance pronoun inventor?”

No need to respond, I'm not listening.

Oh, by the way don’t worry about your new responsibility as my official emotional support girlfriend, through my experiences over the years in all of the doomed relationship that I’ve dragged on and on with tears and threats of self harm, that we both knew I was too vain to follow through with, I’ve streamlined this whole “lets focus all our attention on my problems” process. We agree that my emotional needs are our ultimate priority, so let's be smart about this.

I’ve rented an office space where I’d appreciate if we could meet once to twice a week, depending on my schedule and availability. The room is pretty bare but there’s a chair in there for you and a couch for me, this should allow us to have a detached but relaxing atmosphere where I can more comfortably open up in. It’s like a gym I can go to for my sad brain stuff. I keep a box of tissue on the table in case we get into any of my emotional soft spots like my mother, my father, my brothers, my high school lacrosse team, or women who make more money than I do.

There’s also something to this whole making it seem official thing, so I’d appreciate if you would jot down my insurance information during our first session, after that you will “have it in the system” as you’ll say and will no longer need to see it. Reiterating so there's no confusion, that’s just for show as there will be no money provided to you. Occasionally paying for a meal and being serviceable but selfish in bed should be more than enough, at least to someone who’s not ungrateful all the time…

Truly though, thank you for all you do. I’m sorry about all of my problems, I wish I didn’t have them either. Do you remember those first 13 days of the relationship? I wish it could have always been like that too.

If it ever becomes too much for you again just remember the fact that I love you and that we’ll probably get divorced in 25 years when all of our kids are in college and we’re forced to spend a lot of time together again. I will subsequently date a woman who is your current age.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.