As an official representative of the Glorious People's Republic of China, I would like to thank King James. In a time when everyone else was quiet, when every other NBA star was silent, and when everyone was saying “Please shut up! There's literally no need for you to say anything, keep your support for China to yourself, why would say that?” Lebron spoke out for us. He defended us financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
In an effort to repay LeBron for his loyalty, we will be screening his upcoming movie, Space Jam 2, in every concentration camp across the country. It is the perfect film to represent China and Lebron is the perfect star to represent us. We share many core beliefs, such as the fact that free speech must be regulated. It's only fair that we support this basketball hero by forcing 2 million people to leave their cells and watch LeBron projected on the prison walls.
I only hope that our political prisoners will love the movie as much as LeBron loves the money he'll get from it. I think that it's just the escapism that they need. After all, cartoons show us a fantastic world, where your eyes pop out of your head when you're in love instead of being pulled out for resale by your government. Our president is even considering the idea of showing Space Jam 2 on a loop to our most reviled prisoners such as murderers, Muslims, and human rights lawyers. If LeBron is as good of at acting as he is at social justice, we believe that this will serve as the best possible way to torture them.
And it won't end there. LeBron has earned himself a friend in the Chinese government and we will force ethnic minorities to watch everything he makes. Perhaps after Space Jam 2 does so well, he'll star in a biopic about his hero, Martin Luther King. He plays him in the Birmingham jail, writing a letter that says how much he loves moderates and how moderates are the best-educated people. He can embody the spirit of Reverend King as he goes to labor strikes, telling the workers that they're causing negative ramifications. Imagine it: the image of Martin Luther King, projected on prison walls for ethnic minorities all over our country. Nothing could better represent his legacy and most of all, the legacy of LeBron James.
But I won't pretend that LeBron is the only friend of China. From now on, we will hold screenings for all Disney movies if they continue to show us in a positive light. Hopefully, Disney will accept, since they're going to need to hold people behind barbed wired if they want them to watch another live-action remake.
We hope to form a lasting relationship with all actors and studios. If a zombie movie needs assorted organs for a gross-out scene, they can count on us. If a Schindler's List remake needs to shoot on location in a concentration camp, they know who to call. And if a beloved athlete wants to sell sneakers made by child workers, we're their guys. All we ask in that they back us up. LeBron James serves as a shining example and we need more people to follow in his footsteps.
In case you don't know which footsteps are his, they're the one made with expensive sweatshop shoes, walking away from all responsibility.
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